rule of thumb

Brandalism

2006-11-16T23:14:00.000-05:00

On Being High and Mighty

2006-08-28T14:10:00.000-04:00

Please. Somebody explain to me why felons shouldn't be allowed to vote. It's petty and punitive. Now I am not a "let's cuddle and pretend convicted felons are all nice and down on their luck dudes," kind of guy, but I do believe that sentences should reflect and respond to the crime committed. I have yet to hear a compelling reason for disenfranchisement. And without such an argument, the default should be retaining the right to vote.

But maybe I'm not being fair. Hey, bucko, this is America. You can commit a few felonies here and there and maybe even snort a few of lines at Camp David, but just don't get caught (misdemeanors are fine by the way).

There are plenty of felons who still can vote. And at least one of them is the President.

So please, pardon me.

Blogs are so 2005

2006-04-02T22:35:00.000-04:00

Obviously we don't care about this place anymore. Should we continue? Just drop the concept entirely? I ask you, our reading public. What is the point?

Who am I? Why am I here? (two points to anyone that gets that.)

Killing me softly....

I heard a good joke the other day:

When I die, I want to go quietly in my sleep like my grandfather did. No screaming like the other passengers in his car.

Of the Day - Motivation Edition

2006-02-24T11:16:00.000-05:00

Is this wrong or right?

2006-02-20T21:25:00.000-05:00

I am interested in people's opinions.

http://www.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/europe/02/20/austria.irving.trial.ap/index.html

In sum:

British historian David Irving pleaded guilty Monday to charges of denying the Holocaust and was sentenced to three years in prison after conceding he was wrong to say there were no Nazi gas chambers at the Auschwitz concentration camp.

Irving was arrested November 11 in the southern Austrian province of Styria on a warrant issued in 1989. He was charged under a federal law that makes it a crime to publicly diminish, deny or justify the Holocaust.

Zen and the Art of the Flea Flicker

2006-02-07T20:51:00.000-05:00

It really does not matter what happens in football this fall. Sure I've love to see West Virginia go undefeated. Or Penn State. (Just not both of them as that would be the biggest dilemma of my life. Gut reaction is that you have to go with your alma mater but I am just not sure.) And I want the Steelers to win the AFC North and reach the playoffs (in 07) with a good seed. But none of that really matters.

Never did I think I would see West Virginia, Penn State, and the Steelers do what they did this year.

The West Virginia football team has broken my heart more times than any other sporting team. Perhaps more times than the female gender too. The WVU Sugar Bowl win - which even I didn't expect - was amazing. And, all dancing aside after (and during) the Super Bowl, it probably got more excitement out of me than any other game. When WVU faked a punt and got a first down to seal the game I was so excited I got up and ran around my apartment screaming "fuck yeah!!" I was so wound up I ran into my door (it's a small place...) and nearly hurt myself. I was punching my walls during the game, frantically calling my father.

Penn State's victory in the Orange Bowl came the very next night. It was a bit of a boring game until it reached over time. By the time the 3rd OT rolled around I was no longer having fun. I was emotionally spent by WVU the night before and terrified that a Penn State loss would ruin a remarkable year in which JoePa returned to glory. Thankfully we pulled that one out too.

Then came the Steelers playoff run and Super Bowl victory. I was fairly placid throughout the game. I refused to get too up for fear of just how down I would go. But I could NOT control myself during the flanker option pass that - for all intents and purposes - won the game for the mighty Steelers. I don't really understand how Seattle was fooled. The second Ben handed the ball to Parker I shot up from my couch and screamed "REVERSE" at the top of my lungs. Then, as Randle El moved back across the field I screamed "PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSS" even louder. Once that ball went into the air there was nothing to do but hold your breath and pray to a god in which you do not believe. As the arc of the ball declined I just knew Ward would catch it and I started dancing and yelling "TOUCH DOWN TOUCH DOWN TOUCH DOWN." It had happened. The Steelers were going to win the Super Bowl. I turned to my game watching cohort who seemed equally terrified and bemused by the previous 30 seconds, apologized and then explained that I was "at the front of the train of perception there for a moment. At one with the television. I defeated Dualism just then, I really did."

I don't know if these three football victories mean this will be a very bad year for me, having used up all my good luck, or if it means even better things are in store. But I can't control those things. So I plan to just ride the wave as far and as long as I can.

Football. With it you can defeat Dualism.

One for the Thumb

2006-02-06T11:55:00.000-05:00

Whoo!

Name That Tune

2006-02-01T12:34:00.000-05:00

Troy Polamalu (link takes you to wikipedia biography) is by far my favorite Steeler.

Here is his fight song. The tune is very familiar to me. Perhaps it is based on a children's song? I ask the RoT readership -- football fan or not -- to listen to this song. You'll enjoy it I promise and I am hoping someone will be able to tell me what the tune is.

My sister first sent me the song and she says she laughs every time she listens to it. That's about right.

This is my favorite quote from Troy during this week's interviews: "I do not have a split personality."

#43 gets asked a lot of such questions due to his calm, quiet demeanor off the field (including taking his glove off and kissing his wedding band after big plays) and killer instinct on the field.

If you watch the Super Bowl, watch for Troy. He is the best.

GO GET THEM BOYS

2006-01-31T16:38:00.000-05:00

We're from the town with the great football team
We cheer for the Pitsburgh Steelers

the team Super Bowl photo

Of the Day (Get Your War On Edition)

2006-01-25T16:48:00.000-05:00

Best impersonation of the Iraqi Information Minister: Donald Rumsfeld.

It's Been Many Years In Coming...

2006-01-23T22:06:00.000-05:00

...so keep the Steeler machinery humming!!

As the AFC Championship game draws to a finish, Steelers fan Mark Herleman of the South Side displays a poster of Art Rooney Sr., the owner of the Steelers the last time they won a Super Bowl.

Of the Day (video version)

2006-01-19T09:56:00.000-05:00

Even though it wasn't considered for a Golden Globe (stupid Hollywood Foreign Press), this flick deserves serious Academy attention. I give you: Skeletor and Friends.

Might I also add that this 4 minute masterpiece uses its soundtrack as well as Office Space, Rushmore or Garden State ever did?

Wasted Opportunities at the National Museum of the American Indian

2006-01-10T20:33:00.000-05:00

I recently visited the National Museum of the American Indian (NMAI).

It is difficult to fully articulate my disgust with the museum but I shall try below.

The NMAI's focus is fully on how modern day American Indians live. It has little to no artifacts. In fact -- an Indian Casino exhibit is in full affect -- but not a single tepee can be found!

The point the curator must be trying to make is something on the lines of "American Indians are just like you and me. They function in society just as anyone else. They are no different at all." But I'm hard pressed to think of anyone needs to be overtly shown such a thing!

The NMAI is a wasted opportunity.

Instead of this twisted focus on "they're just like you" the museum should be a celebration of the culture of the American Indian ??? - 1491.

The focus of the NMAI should explain the difficulties John Smith faced keeping the Jamestown settlers from fleeing his town and joining the Indians in their life style.

Then the museum could ease into a drawn out -- and glorious -- demonstration of the freedoms of stone age culture.

Instead, we get cell phones, PLASTIC lacross sticks (what a joke -- not even a real lax stick -- instead one with meshing and a plastic head. show me an Iroqoius stick - not the kind of stick the bench riders on my high school team used. It wasn't even a well loved stick with self-sown leather webbing. instead, totally lame mesh. pathetic. if anything sums up the NAMI is the lacrosse "stick" on display).

The NMAI is one of the most disppointing places I have ever been. But at least they got the name right.

My New Favorite Female

2006-01-10T11:27:00.000-05:00

EDIE SEDGWICK
(1943-1971)

http://www.warholstars.org/stars/edie.html

RIP Wonkette

2006-01-04T10:17:00.000-05:00

Ana Marie Cox, the writer who made Washington politics irresistibly naughty, is giving up her job as a full-time, pajama-clad blogger to become a full-time, pajama-clad author. Cox, who just signed a contract for her second book, will hand off the political Web site to David Lat, the lawyer who secretly penned Underneath Their Robes, an irreverent blog about the judiciary world.

Full Story

Of the Week (New Year's Ed.)

2006-01-03T13:16:00.000-05:00

Best Book started & finished this past week: "The Greatest Game Ever Played." Yes it looks like a book about golf. But it is not. It is a book about the difficulties and payoffs inherent in drawing upon emotional and physical reserves. But it all takes place on a golf course - much the same way a book might take place in New York City. Though I believe that New York City is more forgiving of mistakes. I could not put this one down at all. (and yes, they made a movie about it, but left out too much I am told).

Reader Mail / RoT Challenge Responses

2005-12-30T14:55:00.000-05:00

Thank you to everyone who participated. Those of you who didn't - you are boring pussies.

First and most important - the namesake of RoT THUMB himself takes the challenge! Thumb focused on music:

songs:
1. pounding, doves
2. creole belle, taj mahal
3. m'bife (balfon), amodou & mariam
4. he lays in the reins, iron & wine/calexico
5. halloween, matt pond pa
6. great god bird, sufjan stevens
7. woman king, iron & wine
8. the commander thinks aloud, long winters
9. satellite, tv on the radio
10. lion thief, beta band

albums:
1. amodou & mariam, dimanche a bamako
2. sufjan stevens, come on feel the illinoise
3. beta band, heroes to zeroes
4. explosions in the sky, friday night lights
5. doves, last broadcast

Jay, in typical fashion, found the RoT challenge someone unacceptable and rewrote the rules a bit. Her thoughtful response can be found here.

Nana provided some great lists. Here they are:

Top 5 Albums:
Dimache a Bamako-Amadou and Miriam
Silent Alarm-Bloc Party
Some Cities-Doves
Illinois-Sufjan Stevens
Andrew Bird and the Mysterious Production of Eggs-Andrew Bird
Special Mention: LCD Soundsystem-LCD Soundsystem

Top 10 Songs:
Blue Light-Bloc Party
Casmir Pulaski Day-Sufjan Stevens
Wordless Chorus-My Morning Jacket
He Lies in Reins-Calexico/Iron & Wine
Dear Sons and Daughters of Hungry Ghosts-Wolf Parade
I Turn My Camera On-Spoon
Upon This Tidal Wave of Young Blood-Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
Do the Whirlwind-Architecture in Helsinki
Bleeding Heart Show-New Pornographers
Almost Forgot Myself-Doves

Top 3 Books (more the books that came out this year that I read than my favorite books):
On Beauty- Zadie Smith
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince-J.K. Rowling
Never Let Me Go-Kazuo Ishiguro

Top 2 Movies:
Mysterious Skin
Good Night, Good Luck

Megan Scribs also gave some fun replies. Here they are:

Top Ten Songs:
10. Since U Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson and covered by
Ted Leo
The first was an empowerment pop gem, the second as
sincere as it was ironic. I love you both. "Thanks to
you now I get what I want..."

9. Got Your Money by Ol' Dirty Bastard
"Hey, Dirty. Baby I got your money..." I don't know
how I never heard this before. Oh wait, yes I do. I'm
a white girl from suburbia who doesn't know shit about
rap or hip hop. But I know I love Kelis.

8. Eyes Ears Mouth by Hot Hot Heat
Why oh why did this not show up on their new album? As
good as that record was, no song was as good as this.
"And so for now, good times I've waved good-bye..."

7. Huddle Formation by the Go! Team
"Oh beep beep!" If pep rallies were like this, I
would've been a cheerleader.

6. I Am a Scientist by Guided by Voices
"I am a scientist / I seek to understand me..." And
other things.

5. Brand Loyalty by Challenger
Feel your heart harden verse by verse in this ode to
the short term relationship. "You're great but it's
never gonna work out between us / After tonight we're
never gonna be together again."

4. Love Rhymes With Hideous Car Wreck by The Blood
Brothers
Best chorus ever: "Love love love, love love love /
What rhymes with pity now?"

3. Our Days in Kansas by Tullycraft
"Disenchanted hearts unite!" Thanks Jones!

2. Direction by Interpol
I'm not a big Interpol fan but there is something so
ineffably beautiful about this song. I can't explain
it and I don't want to. "Direction"

1. You Were Right by Built to Spill
"You were wrong when you said everything's gonna be
alright." Oh, look. My heart broke again.

Runners Up:
(I Bet You) Look Good on the Dance Floor by Arctic
Monkeys
Gods and Monsters by I Am Kloot
Strasbourg by The Rakes
Polaroids from Mars by Tullycraft

Top Five Albums:
5. Bang Bang Rock and Roll by Art Brut
So many good singles that there were too many to list
in my top ten songs list. Of course, I still don't
actually own the album. Stupid import prices.

4. Apologies to the Queen Mary by Wolf Parade
I love this. I'm going to marry it. We're having a
June wedding. You're invited.

3. Summer in Abaddon by Pinback
This makes me think of winter and traveling with my
friend and quiet freedom

2. Inches by Les Savy Fav
I got to Les Savy Fav way too late, but this two disc
set helps make up for it. And the second disc has such
cute videos you will fall in love even more.

1. Give Up by The Postal Service
Forever and ever and ever

Runners Up:
Silent Alarm by Bloc Party
You Can Have It So Much Better With Franz Ferdinand

Top Three Books
I hardly read anything I wasn't getting paid for,
which is both a blessing and a curse

3. "What Second Place Means Is You Lost" by Diane
Vadino from Pindeldyboz #2
Okay, it's not a book, but a literary magazine and
it's not even the lit mag (which wasn't so amazing)
but the story in it. But I loved that story so much I
photocopied it and sent it to all my favorite people
because it was just that good.

2. We Are All Fine Here by Mary Guterson
Simple. Direct. Lyrical. Dark. True.

1. Blink by Malcolm Gladwell
Life changing. Now and hopefully for the future.

Top Two Movies of 2005:
I think I saw five movies total this year, so I
appreciate that you're only asking for two picks.

2. Super Size Me
Political and funny!

1. Sideways
Funny and funny!

Finally, a reader from New Jersey wished to remain nameless. The trash stater's list follows:

Albums
The Wind - Warren Zevon
Beautiful Loser - Seger
Who the Hell is John Eddie - JE
Songs - Willie Nelson
Legend of... - Johnny Cash
Songs
Travelin Man - Seger

Women have come, women have gone,
Everyone tryin' to cage me.
Some were so sweet, I barely got free,
Others, they only enraged me.
Sometimes at night, I see their faces,
I feel the traces they left on my soul.
Those are the memories that made me a wealthy soul.

My Dirty Life and Times - Zevon

Some days I feel like my shadow's casting me
Some days the sun don't shine
Sometimes I wonder what tomorrow's gonna bring
When I think about my dirty life and times

A Pirate Looks at 40 - Buffett

I have been drunk now for over two weeks,
I passed out and I rallied and I sprung a few leaks,
But I've got to stop wishin',
Got to go fishin', I'm down to rock bottom again.
Just a few friends, just a few friends.

Cover of Rolling Stone - Dr. Hook and Medicine Show

We got all the friends that money can buy
So we never have to be alone
And we keep getting richer but we can't get our picture
On the cover of the Rolling Stone

Casino Queen - Wilco

...my lord you're mean

Don't Stop Believin - Journey

Strangers waiting, up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching in the niiiii-iii-iiiight

Books
Kite Runner
Ugly Americans & Bringing Down the House
3 Klostermans - Cocoa Puffs, Killing Yourself & Fargo Rock City
TV
The Office
24
My Name is Earl

RoT Challenge (Other)

2005-12-22T23:13:00.000-05:00

Next week - reader responses.

Top Three Books:

Jack Kerouac: Vanity of Duluoz: "...in 1967 as I'm writing this what possible feeling can be left in me for an 'America' that has become such a potboiler of broken convictions, messes of rioting and fighting in the streets, hoodlumisn, cynical administration of cities and states, suits and neckties the only feasible subject, granduer all gone into the mosaic mesh of Television (Mosaic indeed, with a capital M), where people screw their eyes all those dots and pick out hallucinated images of their own contortion and are fed ACHTUNG! ATTENTION! ATENCION! instead of Ah dreamy wet slips beneath an old apple tree? Or that picture in Time magazine a year ago showing a thousand cars parked in a redwood forest in California, all alongside similar tents with awnings and primus stoves, everybody dressed alike looking up at the trees and if so probably thinking 'O how nice that redwood would loook as my lawn furniture!' Well, enough . . . for now."
Haruki Murakami: Hard-boiled Wonderland and The End of the World: An amazing reworking of Steinbeck's Grapes. A totally new take on alternating chapters. More inspiration for my plan for the Great American Novel.
Bill Watterson: The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes: Calvin: "Well, it's a new year. And I'd say the first 10 hours haven't been up to snuff." Hobbes: "Did you make any new years resolutions?" Calvin: "You bet! I've resolved to quit hiding my feelings so much! From now on, the world's gonna know exactly what I think of it!" Hobbes: "Yes, you've certainly been the model of self-restraint and understatement up until now." Calvin: "Well no more." Cavlin "And I've also resolved to not put up with sarcastic tigers." Hobbes: "If I see any, I'll tell them."

Top Two Movies:

The Big Lebowski: "that rug really tied the room together" and "You're not wrong you're just an asshole" are two of the few movie lines i glady quote during the day.
Mr and Mrs Smith: I mean seriously - Angelina Jole is ridiculously hot.
http://www.geocities.com/a4jolie/mrsmith/01.jpg

Of the Day

2005-12-21T16:01:00.000-05:00

Best Gun-Toting, Terrorist-Thwarting, Santa. (via Oliver Willis)

New Running Item Department: OF THE WEEK/ OF THE DAY

2005-12-20T11:06:00.000-05:00

"Of the Week/ Of the Day" is an attempt to add more content to this site, even if it is little. There's no rule that I have to say anything thought-provoking or funny or anything like that. In fact, I should be sharing what makes me laugh.

So file under "Of the Day":

Best Photo and Best Caption.

The List is Life - Non-Music Edition

2005-12-20T10:15:00.000-05:00

Top 5 Books for 2005 (that were not Harry Potter)

Band of Brothers by Stephen Ambrose. I think I read this once every two or three years. It is one of the finest stories ever told. Period.

Independence Day by Richard Ford. One of those books where you honestly believe every single word was carefully selected to fit right where it is. Nothing particularly exciting happens I guess, but for the way it is crafted and told, you can see why it won the Pulitzer for fiction.

Abraham Lincoln - Speeches and Writings 1859-1865. There was a time when our national leaders were eloquent, smart, and honorable. Seriously.

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon. What a strange and engaging book. Oh and by the way, Siobhan is pronounced Shi-von, not Si-ob-han. Who knew.

Honorable Mentions: Blink (Galdwell), What I Loved (Hustvedt), and the Amber Spyglass (Pullman).

Top 2 Movies (That were not Harry Potter)

Anchorman. And you know what? If you don't like it, you can just go back to your home on Whore Island.

All the President's Men. I've said this before, but part of the reason you wonder why this movie feels different is because it does. There is very little frantic NYPD-Blue-ish camera bouncy-bouncy stuff. In fact, there is a scene where the camera slowly pans in on Woodward/Redford for about 3-4 full minutes. And it is suspenseful. So cool.

Fuck You George W Bush

2005-12-17T14:56:00.000-05:00

Fuck you right to hell.

I don't understand how ANYONE at this point can support this asshole. He's nearly gloating that he allowed the NSA to spy on Americans inside the United States.

This guy is a total prick. Get the fuck out of my bedroom. You don't believe in freedom. You don't believe in personal liberty. You're a fucking fascist.

Fuck you.

http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2005/12/20051217.html

"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."

-- Benjamin Franklin

Best Music of 2005

2005-12-14T19:41:00.000-05:00

Time to provide RoT with your music awards. Remember, it's 10 songs; 5 albums.

Before I get started did everyone see that The Arcade Fire got two Grammy nominations? Interesting. I told you they sucked. That album has three good songs. Tops.

Top Five Albums of 2005 (in no particular order):

The Rolling Stones: Aftermath - I've had this album for 15 months or so. I thought *I* discovered the song Under My Thumb. I had no idea it was so well known. Though I am picking the US version here because I have it on vinyl and listened to it more times, I think the UK version is actually a bit better than the US one.
Bob Dylan: New Morning - Released after the purposefully bad Self Portrait, this masterpiece does not get the attention it deserves. The Clash covered a song from the album. If that's not enough includes a song about Elvis.
Saturday Looks Good to Me: Every Night - A perfect pop album. Dueling male and female vocals, tragic love songs. It has it all. "you give away more than anyone could ever steal" is my favorite line of the year. "you feel, you feel like a paper heart coming unglued..."
The Clash: London Calling - The best rock and roll record of all time always makes the list.
Ghost Mice: Debt of the Dead - An old punk bad I used to always read about but never heard broke up and reformed as an all acoustic band. They tour and play under the stars, man...with no electrical equipment needed to play any of their songs. Great stuff about what it means to be alive.

Top Ten Songs of 2005 (order random):

Tullycraft: Our Days in Kansas - A fantastic pop song that introduced me to the world of Twee!
Bob Dylan: Don't Think Twice, it's Alright - I liked this song before I started relating to it. Then it was all over.
The Kinks: Apeman - The only time I feel at ease is when I'm swinging around the coconut trees.
The Arcade Fire: Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels) - Hey, those couple of good songs are really good. "And the bedrooms of our friends!" Man, that's memory invoking.
Wilco: Forget the Flowers - It's amazing how at certain moments a song can capture your emotions better than you explain them to yourself.
The Beatles: Octopus's Garden - I don't particularly like Abbey Road but this is my kind of love song.
Bob Dylan: Mama You've Been On My Mind (Live in 1964) - Performed live with Joan Baez (who I personally do not hate) this song is a present from the man upstairs, as Dylan would say.
Charlie Parker: My Little Swede Shoes (Live at the Hi-Hat 1953) - In high school I learned about Jack Kerouac from a Bad Religion song. I learned about the Bird from Kerouac. And from this Parker song, I learned that jazz is a wonderful thing.
This Bike Is A Pipe Bomb: Depression - Depression ain't so bad. Depression ain't so bad. Makes you wish you never been born! I've been on top of the world. And I've been stuck at the bottom ... Depression ain't so bad. Depression ain't so bad. Think of all the good it's done. Robert Jackson!
The Clash: Career Opportunities - Do you really want to be a cop?

I Threw My Camera Around and All I Got Was This Fly Picture

2005-12-14T14:09:00.000-05:00

After reading this article in the Washington Post this past Sunday, I decided to try my shot at "camera tossing." It's not that hard once you get beyond the fact that every time you throw the camera in the air, there is a chance you will not catch it and your wife will yell at you.

To top it off, I did these in my office today. I want to try now to move to the outside world of traffic, the metro, and other areas. What's interesting is that I normally do cool things on accident anyway. This is just a medium that accepts that very premise and exploits it.

UPDATE: all subsequent cameratosses can be found here.

RoT 2005 Challenge - Extra Edition - Misheard Lyrics of 2005

2005-12-14T10:42:00.000-05:00

Remember, we want your opinions. You can enter them into the comments or email them to us personally or at ruleofthumb@gmail.com. Post comments to appropriate lists of course....

A special edition today - before I start posting my actual list.

Misheard lyric of 2005 is brought to us by the All Girl Summer Fun Band.

What I heard:

Do you know what I worry on the inside?
That I will find out that you were a Jew
My friends all tell me you're a ticking time tomb
I worry that you'll break my heart in two

Pretty bold and odd lyrics I first though. Worrying someone is a Jew? At least they're honest.

And then I of course released she was saying "untrue" not "a jew."

Get those lists in people.

My List - Music version

2005-12-13T11:11:00.000-05:00

Here's the music related part of my list. Please feel free to add TOP 5 WEBSITES of 2005 as well. In the comments section, or email us here. We'll post what we get (for the most part).

Top Five Albums of 2005

* In Between Dreams, Jack Johnson - first heard this March. It is the soundtrack to EVERY weekend morning in our house.

* Everyone Deserves Music, Michael Franti & Spearhead - I wish more people knew about them, but thank god they don't.

* Has Been, William Shatner - best download of the year? I say yes.

* Songs for Silverman, Ben Folds - the only CD I ordered and bought all year.

* X&Y, Coldplay - you know what? I hated it to when it came out. But now it's awesome. Go figure.

Top Ten Songs of 2005 (go and download the top 5 from iTunes now)

* To Be Young - Ryan Adams

* Better Together - Jack Johnson

* Boogie On Reggae Woman - Stevie Wonder

* California - Phantom Planet (Stupid OC. I hate you)

* Give Judy My Notice - Ben Folds

* Ya'll Ain't Ready - Kevin Federline

* Why Can't We Be Friends - W.A.R.

* O Fortuna - Carl Orff (From Carmina Burana)

* Apple Scruffs - George Harrison

* Singing in My Sleep - Semisonic (I know, I know)

Pending RoT 2005 Challenge

2005-12-11T21:52:00.000-05:00

Rule of Thumb is issuing the following 2005 Challenge.

Top Five Albums of 2005
Top Ten Songs of 2005
Top Three Books of 2005
Top Two Movies of 2005

Rules of Challenge:

You must NOT limit yourself to 2005 releases.
You MUST evaluate what of the above you enjoyed the most this year
You may consider things that were not "new to you" in 2005.

It's simply what you enjoyed the most this year.

Please do not share your lists just yet. Let us all (including me) think on it for a bit.

One Hundred Percent Recomendation

2005-12-04T23:22:00.000-05:00

Today I learned something new from the NY Times. What did I learn? That the coach of the Texas Tech Red Rangers is just outright fantastic.

I highly suggest you read the article. It made me laugh out loud and gave me a huge amount of respect for the man. Here is a link to the story - followed by some money quotes.

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/12/04/magazine/04coach.html?pagewanted=1

"Each off-season, Leach picks something he is curious about and learns as much as he can about it: Geronimo, Daniel Boone, whales, chimpanzees, grizzly bears, Jackson Pollock. The list goes on, and if you can find the common thread, you are a step ahead of his football players. One year, he studied pirates. When he learned that a pirate ship was a functional democracy; that pirates disciplined themselves; that, loathed by others, they nevertheless found ways to work together, the pirate ship became a metaphor for his football team."

"When he left Cody for Brigham Young University, Leach planned to become a lawyer. From B.Y.U. he went straight to Pepperdine law school, where he graduated, at the age of 25, in the top third of his class. That's when he posed the question that has sunk many a legal career: "Why do I want to be a lawyer?" One day he announced to his wife, Sharon - soon to be pregnant with their second child - that what he really wanted to be was a college football coach. ("Yeah, her side of the family flipped.") To Leach, coaching football requires the same talent that he was going to waste on the law: the talent for making arguments. He wanted to make his arguments in the form of offensive plays."

and now his halftime speech:

"Leach marched into the locker room, climbed back up on his green stool and exhibited, with the enthusiasm of a man doing it for the first time, the proper way to swing a pirate sword. "Coach's motivational speeches are always the same," says Daniel Loper, who played four years for Leach and is now a rookie offensive tackle with the Tennessee Titans. "He tells very long stories, and you're never sure what they mean. But he's a genius." "

after soundly defeating the other team:

"Up in the sky boxes, the wife of an Aggie assistant coach insulted every female Red Raider in earshot by saying that at least she lived in College Station instead of Lubbock. ("First of all, we just beat them, 56-17," Leach says when told of the incident. "By rights she should now be a Red Raider slave.")"

In sum:

He has committed a faux pas: he has suggested by his methods that there is more going on out there on the (unlevel) field of play than his competitors realize, which reflects badly on them. He steals some glory from the guy who is born with advantages and uses them to become a champion. Gary O'Hagan, Leach's agent, says that he hears a great deal more from other coaches about Mike Leach than about any of his other clients. "He makes them nervous," O'Hagan says. "They don't like coaching against him; they'd rather coach against another version of themselves. It's not that they don't like him. But privately they haven't accepted him. You know how you can tell? Because when you're talking to them Monday morning, and you say, Did you see the play Leach ran on third and 26, they dismiss it immediately. Dismissive is the word. They dismiss him out of hand. And you know why? Because he's not doing things because that's the way they've always been done. It's like he's been given this chessboard, and all the pieces but none of the rules, and he's trying to figure out where all the chess pieces should go. From scratch!"

Where Does One Buy Such a Wonderful Thing?

2005-12-04T22:05:00.000-05:00

I've long been a (confused) fan of the odd stickers people place on stop signs. You know what I am talking about. The most common one is "homophobia"; "eating animals" is another.

These stickers are certainly made with the intention of being placed on a stop sign. They've a red background and white writing. Made to look like the stop sign is actually there to carry your message. I love the fact that you can buy a bunch of stickers that say "homophobia" on them. Just imagine the places you could stick 'em!

Today I saw the best one yet. The sticker said "Caring." Instead of being white type on stop sign red though it was black type on a white background. It was wonderful. And certainly its intended use was to be placed on a stop sign.

There are a lot of geniuses in this world. I'd put the person that came up with that sticker very high on the list.

Stop Caring.

The Mystery Switch

2005-11-28T15:12:00.000-05:00

I was home for Thanksgiving, back to the house that I grew up in - a veritable man-child sleeping in my old room (new bed) with my wife. Over the course of the past 5 days, my mother kept the door to the downstairs bathroom shut - it being the latest shot of botox in the house's neverending facelift. But what I found odd about the downstairs bathroom was not the stepladder in the shower, nor the presence of fresh potpourri, but rather the mystery switch (above the medicine cabinent that is behind the door) was missing its faceplate. Somehow the absence of the faceplate caught my eye more than its former apperance as the the electric equivalent of the Bat-Phone.

You see, when I was younger, this switch was very much out of my reach (that stepladder in the shower would have come in handy then). The switch was your average lightswitch, but it had a perfectly red plastic faceplate surrounding it, the color of which cried out to any little boy, "I am the color of fire engines, of meatballs, of bloody noses, of Superman's cape, and of Christmas presents! Engage me!" What did this switch do? Turn on the stove? Super-flush the toilet? Turn on the fire place? Turn back time? However, my mind was captivated only as long as I was on the downstairs can, due to a pressing schedule of catching and releasing frogs and smearing my poison ivy hands on everything else. I had the Midas Touch of itching for a while there.

The only thing I knew the switch did was perform a function my parents either supported or supported the absence of. I was always told not to mess with the switch. It was really the only part of my house that remained a mystery to me other than how my dad ever found the tools he was looking for near his "work-bench" or what is better described as his "wood/scrap/nail pile." And not being one to spoil a good mystery, I still have yet to ask what the switch does - thereby always preserving a small part of my childhood no matter how old or distant I feel. To that end, I have made a formal request to see the old red faceplate reattached upon completion of the project. I have also asked for my Superman sheets, but I think I have a better shot at the bathroom mystery switch.

I imagine some day my parents will move out of the house and I will flick the switch only to hear the water heater ba-clunk to life, or perhaps hear nothing at all, as a small but important part of the house silently stops working or wakes up, but here's to hopingI have the discipline to not touch it all.

A RoThanksgiving

2005-11-22T22:34:00.000-05:00

From the Diraries of George W. Bush, President....

Washington D.C. (Gonzo)
some long weekend

In a huge mix-up today, President George Bush awarded the Medal of Freedom award to three turkeys and pardoned "Scooter" Libby, Vice-President Dick Cheney and Karl Rove. White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan was unsure how the traditional pardoning of turkeys somehow got mixed up with the President awarding the Medal of Freedom awards to Libby, Cheney and Rove. When the President was asked how he could not have known he was doing this all wrong he shook his head dismissively and said,

"Turkeys are turkeys
does...it......uh.......really...uh......make......any......difference?"

To compound things, Libby, Cheney and Rove will now have to spend the rest of their lives on a farm located near Scottsfield, Virginia while the turkeys will now assume their roles within the administration.

Rumors of RoT's Death are exaggerated

2005-11-13T16:49:00.000-05:00

We're just lazy.

I've have some thoughts lately but no real inspiration to write. For that the RoT Editorial Board would like to apologize. But, we're still kicking. Albeit, not terribly high.

I have a new way of passing time. Naming, Soulseek and downloading music. I have developed an ability to acquire more music than one man can possibly listen to. I've also designed a new technique for quickly evaluating a record.

What I've realize is that it's all about the THIRD song. If the third song rocks, I have a good feeling about the record as a whole. Oftentimes when I am trying to decide if I want to download something, I'll try out song three. You know song one is an update, opening number. Song two is hit or miss. It's song three that makes or breaks an album. It's the modern equivalent of Song One on the B side of an album. (Though many of today's bands understand this concept and seem to have a side one and side two on their CD if you pay attention to how the album develops.)

But it seems to me that song 3 is the current most important track. Let's take a look at some of my favorite releases of recent years and see how this works. I'm gonna pick five albums right now w/o thinking about what song three is in order to test this theory. The records are:

Her Majesty, The Decemberists -- The Decemberists
Yankee Hotel Foxtrot - Wilco
Chutes Too Narrow - The Shins
Keep It Like A Secret - Built to Spill
The Black Album - Jay Z

and the songs are:

Los Angeles, I'm Yours - Hmmm. Billy Liar would have fit my theory better.
Radio Cure - Hmmmmmmmmmm. War on War would have been better.

both of these songs are too depressing for this theory. However, I love both of these songs so the theory is not dead yet.

So Says I - hmm. This fits in the most, but, man, I just don't like the Shins the way I used to.
Carry the Zero - THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT
What More Can I Say - no no no no no no. This may kill the theory. This song should be December 4th. The song that made me like Jay-Z.

Maybe this theory is crap.

Other Supreme Court Thoughts by W

2005-10-25T22:55:00.001-04:00

Washington, DC (Gonzo)

My contact recently got in to the oval office and retrieved some papers from W's desk. He found the "short list," with some notes, for Supreme Court nominees. It appears we are lucky to get Harriet. What follows is an unadulterated, unedited version of the memo, Which bore the following title: "Memo to myself: PRESIDENT George Bush (HAHAHAHAHA... I love that.)"

Short list for Supreme Court Nominees:

Don Adams (Scratch that, he died today)

Ginger Ballstroker (Stripper I met while AWOL from National Guard. Said she once gave Clarence Thomas a BJ, so already has some bench experience.)

Tom "Bongo" Jones (College roommate. Always had the best drugs. Once had a bong made from a vacuum cleaner hose. That guy sure could take some hits. Might be better suited for DEA. Deserves a reward of some kind.)

Scooter Libby or Karl Rove (No, no can do. Might have legal problems down the road. Dumb bastards.)

One of the twins (Jenna needs a career)

Laura (Would free up more time for me to be with Ginger)

Barney (Completely loyal)

Perry Mason (Has a lot of experience as defense lawyer. Might not be a real person. Might be dead. Have to check on that.)

Judge Roy Bean (Liked what I saw in the movies. Wonder if he's still in Texas?)

A Democrat (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

James Dobson (He's such a prick, but it would get him out of my hair. Added bonus, could stop pretending to believe I met that Jesus guy he's aways talking about. Secondary note to self: figure out what "personal relationship with Jesus" really means.)

Perhaps a crippled Hispanic midget transvestite Hindu. (Check with Andie Card)

This is Where We Focus Our Energy? Really?

2005-10-19T11:36:00.000-04:00

I'm all for getting rid of laws that impede rather than protect, and that give too much discretion towards law enforcement that is motivated by quotas. This is why I support DC making its DUI levels more realistic. Currently, I could blow a breathalyzer of 0.0 and if I said I'd 'had a beer with dinner, officer' - he could arrest me and charge me with DUI. This apparently has happened in a few instances, and a Washington Post reporter wrote a story about it.

But look at this article. Emergency Legislation! "DC is back Open for Business!" Government reacts quickly to outrage! etc. It just makes me so sad. This kind of thing can get through in a day, but the smoking ban is bottled up year after year. Hell, look at this page and click on any of the Crime & Justice links, and there are obviously a lot of other things that deserve this level of diligence and intervention. But no. People are screaming for blood because they might get arrested for having more than one beer, not that 7 people were killed over the weekend in a span of 48 hours. "We can't limit ourselves to one drink while the Council looks at the language and holds hearings to weigh both sides of the issue! We demand action! Murders and suffering must wait! Wine and Beer!"

I need a drink.

What I've Learned

2005-10-14T11:44:00.000-04:00

Esquire Magazine is asking its readers to supply them with content for their monthly What I've Learned section. They do this once a year and it's usally pretty cool when published. So I sent in a few nuggets of knowledge from my very small vault:

-Teachers and people who work in Nursing Homes are not in it for the money.

-I met a girl when I was in middle school. Years later in high school I just knew that I would marry her someday. The lesson here is at any age, you should trust your gut. Just ask my wife.

-Music Industry take notice: I wrote a song from the perspective of Bob Euker's (fictional) illegitimate son, and people actually sing a long at my open mic shows. That is how desperate people are for music that has not been filtered through 15 A&R guys, 12 songwriters, 3 studio doctors and a guest rapper.

-People who like only punk rock can't sing.

-Often I look in my cupboards and can only identify the things I don't want to eat. Then I think about people on this planet who would actually kill another person for just some of what I have in my cupboard alone. Those nights I say grace over Campbell's Tomato Soup and grilled cheese.

-There's a reason they won't give you administrative rights to your work computer, you pervert.

-I once gave a disabled Nobel Peace Prize Winner a piggyback around Washington DC, and you know what he wanted to do? Look for weed.

-I for one welcome our new Google Overlords.

Are Those our Wheels Back There?

2005-10-14T10:29:00.000-04:00

This isn't from some blog or anything. Just two quotes I found from yesterday:

"People are interested to know why I picked Harriet Miers," he said. "They want to know Harriet Miers' background. They want to know as much as they possibly can before they form opinions. Part of Harriet Miers' life is her religion."

President Bush October 13, 2005

In a testy exchange with reporters Thursday, McClellan complained that coverage of the nomination has ignored Miers' "record and qualifications" to focus on "side issues" such as her religion.
Scott McClellen October 13, 2005

Let's try to stay on message people! Or Joe America is gonna figure out that things are being run by the incompotents and yes-men, because our ruthless-yet-effective assbags are busy fighting their own indictments and subpoena's...

unrelated: my postings have been scant as of late. While it is not because I hate the 3 other people who read this enlightening piece of the internet, it is mainly due to an increased workload, and writing recaps for fantasy football leagues. I am ashamed.

Celebrate Banned Books Week!

2005-09-27T20:45:00.000-04:00

This week is the American Library Association's BANNED BOOKS WEEK. Go read something The Man says you shouldn't! ALA's site has lots of excerpts, audio and downloads from banned books. Best of all is the list of ways to celebrate Banned Books Week.

Thanks to Cory Doctorow at BoingBoing for this....

Here's To You, Cabbie

2005-09-22T09:12:00.000-04:00

Received one of the better written emails of my life this morning. Also, perhaps this is helpful advice for our female readership (as if we have one).

The penultimate paragraph is a work of art.

***
Title: Unsovled Mystery - DC

As most of you know, it has been a Washington DC unsolved mystery to me, for the last two plus years, how I am losing my heel tips on high quality,expensive, new shoes. Heel tips are the small, rubbery, black pieces at thebottom of a high heel (pump, stilletto, or otherwise thinner style heels about 1/2 inch across). Under the tips you will find a metal nailhead on the shoe and it often makes a high pitched sqeaking sound when walking on tile, marble, concrete, and wood if the tip is missing. Even better, when walking on carpet, this nail can pick up a hook/latch in the rug and you'll go flying forward if walking fast (much like the grate scenario while walking on city sidewalks).

Losing tips did not happen to me until I moved to DC and I am otherwise not hard on shoes. I thought it was perhaps my developing poor posture from law school, developing an unladylike walk from trying to leave early while on bad dates, from learning to walk at a city pace, or maybe even my driving while wearing too high a heel and applying the brakes - but I have never been able to figure it out as I have noticed it happens on both left andright, in summer and winter, and indoors and out.

Today - almost three years, two pair stiletto boots (one black, one brown),two pair black sling backs (I'm sorry I doubted you, Anne Klein), and one pair patent leather Cole Hahn pumps later - and after various "self-help"methods ranging from grocery store shoe repair kits (thanks mom) to pencil erasers markered black to a bartender "fixing me up" with some duct tape just to stop the high pitched squeak....I have finally solved the mystery.

I'll try not to keep you in suspense any longer. The things doing this to women all over DC are long and black, and ribbed. You can find them around the city, but not always fully functioning. They can take you up and take you down.

Damn you, DC Metro escaltors! So, tread carefully and let me know if you need a good cobbler, I found a man on Connecticut Avenue who can fix us right up.

Dropping More Knowledge

2005-09-21T16:45:00.000-04:00

There are facts and then there are facts.

(another version here)

Paging Oscar

2005-09-20T11:21:00.000-04:00

Someone's feeling grouchy today.

Monday Morning Feels So Bad

2005-09-20T00:56:00.000-04:00

This morning in the elevator I ran into a coworker. We'll call her Guinevere. Guinevere is responsible, in part, for upkeep of our company's database. But she has other "marketing" responsibilities. A young go getter a few years out of a private college.

Miserable as I was to be getting into the elevator to work and seeing someone I work with imediately, I was proud of myself for managing a grumbled "hello" to young Guinevere.

Guinevere says hello back and returns to her conversation (two other coworkers I do not know where in the 'vator, it appeared). Guinny and the poor souls trapped listening to her were discussing some sort of new database is being rolled out at work. They are training sessions going on, it would appear. (As a rule, any email I receive at work that says "training" gets double deleted immediately.)

In any event, Guinevere was rambling about how so and so hasn't signed up for general training yet and she can't get the specialized "break out training" unless she first takes part in general training. Just have her contact Guinevere and she'll take care of everything. "No worries" followed but that terrible, fake chuckle you only encounter at work and church.

I could not believe what I was hearing. If it was not 9 or so on Monday morning, I may have yelled what I was thinking:

"What the fuck is the matter with you? Do you realize that no one cares. NO ONE. We are all here because we have to be here. No other reason. And you're going to spend your life defining yourself based on who has and has not signed up for fucking database training. Are you kidding me?

"But the really sad thing," I would have continued, "is that you will never realize just what a pathetic piece of trash you are. Indeed, you will move from job to job, company to company, always convinced that what you are doing is v e r y important. You probably talk to your friends never endingly about your job. And if you're ever able to marry....

"Oh, that poor poor man. Will you ever realize that he doesn't care about that woman at work who you hate? He cares about the sign ups for your database less. When will it strike you that just because people are forced to listen to you, that doesn't mean they care."

Greatest Thing I Have Ever Read

2005-09-16T15:02:00.000-04:00

The following link will take you to the greatest thing I have ever read.

http://meltingpot.fortunecity.com/harrow/953/larsen.htm

If you loved the game show Press Your Luck and enjoy very weird people you will never read anything more entertaining.

I can't remember any other time in life I have laughed harder from the written word.

HFC: Top 5 Artists More People Should Listen To

2005-09-16T14:30:00.000-04:00

And the High Fidelity Challenge Continues. This topic of a top 5 for who people should listen to more is tricky. On one hand, I want to spread the word - but on the other, I don't want to see artists I think are incredible become too big and sacrifice their accessibility all in the name of paying off their debts. I am selfish this way. A great artist is like a pile of money. You may want people to know that you have cash, but you don't want them to have your cash.

1. Rufus Wainwright. I remember about 5 years ago the Gap was running holiday adds and there was this voice that sounded like it had been ripped out of the 19... something's, it was brooding, it was almost half-drunk, and it moved effortlessly across an impressive vocal range. My sister gave me an album 3 or so years ago and I've always regarded it as one of my favorites to listen to when doing the following things: waking up, going to bed, walking to work, people watching, driving, eating sunday breakfast, gearing up for a night out or just sipping whiskey. In other words it is music that compliments my life and has and continues to be an accurate soundtrack for me. Plus he comes with a token drug problem - the hallmark of any great artist, no?

2. Richie Havens. Kate turned me onto him when we were first dating. He opened Woodstock and is one of the coolest songwriters of that time. He plays the hell out of his guitar, but in machine-gun staccatto strumming that transforms all of his covers. "Here Comes the Sun" and "What's Going On" are two of my favorites.

3. Michael Franti & Spearhead. If you've read this site before, at some point I've probably mentioned them. Spearhead is just one hell of a group and always delivers my requisite mix of talent/poignancy/groove/and accessibility. Remember Diggable Planets? What if those guys could actually sing and play some seriously advanced and progressive music? Well, it would suck compared to Spearhead. If you want a sample of why, then on my recommendation alone, buy the album "Stay Human." If you hate it, tell me and I'll buy it off you. I've worn it out. Or go to iTunes and download "Oh My God", "Do ya Love", "Soulshine","What I Be", and "All the Freaky People". This is the number one band I want to tell everyone about and keep as my closest secret.

4. Tom Burris. He used to be in a band called Jabbering Trout. But then he made his solo album. However, he was a lot like Ben Folds going solo from Ben Folds Five. He wrote all the stuff anyway. I think he's still playing in NYC a lot, and still hasn't garnered that critical mass of attention to launch him higher. I don't know how best to describe him other than a very good songwriter with a knack for putting good, interesting, human stories to acoustic pop music.

5. If everyone listened to the Beatles, we all would be OK.

First Gisele, Now Teddy? (X lines out a screenplay)

2005-09-12T20:56:00.000-04:00

Leonardo DiCaprio keeps getting to do things(...) that make the mind boggle. I'm not so sure how I feel about him being cast to play Theodore Roosevelt in the film adaptation of my favorite non-fiction book, The Rise of Theodore Roosevelt.

Variety broke the story today. Here is the money quote:

"From the first page of the book, ... his life reads like a movie that requires a big bag of popcorn," Meyer said. "...We start at 25, as he begins to transform himself through sheer force of will from this asthmatic, nearsighted 125-pounder to this Sherman tank of a man so tough that he once got shot on the way to make a speech and completed his talk, bleeding with a bullet in his chest."

I'm not exactly sure how this is going to work. If I were Meyer (the screenwriter), this is what I would do.

Opening scene: TR boxing while a Harvard student. One match is a perfect opening scene. TR is up against a much larger boxer and gets beaten badly. He refuses to quit and takes a pounding. The student body chanted "Teddy, Teddy, Teddy" in admiration. After showing the movie's hero getting the tar beaten out of him (and relishing the experience) I would move into Teddy wooing his eventual first wife, Alice.

This shows his gentle side.

Twenty to thirty minutes into the movie, the wedding to Alice. A bit of TR as Speaker of the NY State Assembly, and then to the big, dramatic end of Act One, the most awful day in the history of life.

Theodore's wife dies in childbirth just a few hours after his mother dies one floor down in the Roosevelt's Manhattan mansion. In his journal about this day, TR simply drew and "X" and wrote "The light has gone out of my life."

This terrible day led to TR becoming a rough rider, leaving his baby daughter in the care of his sister. Interestingly, TR named his baby after his dead wife (Alice) but refused to ever call her Alice. Instead he called her by her middle name, inquiring about her in letters to his sister by writing "how is Baby Lee?"

The second act is TR running his ranch in the South Dakota Badlands. Then his time running the NYC police department (relatively boring). The second act ends with Teddy's time as assistant secretary of the US Navy. A role from which he basically started the Spanish American war on his own.

Third act starts with TR as a Rough Rider!! Bang bang!! Teddy kills a Spaniard or two (and then becomes a life long pacifist). Middle of the third act is his governship of New York State. Then he begrudgingly accepts the role as VP nominee. (A spot he was only put in because his political enemies thought it would end his career. Which it would have, if McKinley hadn't been shot by an anarchist [more reason to love Anarchy].)

End of third act, TR becomes president of the United States of America!!

This movie should be awesome if the above plot structure is observed. Thing I wonder about:

When this movie comes out, will Theodore Roosevelt suddenly become cool? Could I finally be ahead of the curve? Can there be a world in which middle school girls love TR? If Leo plays him, doesn't that assure that middle schools girls will be interested in the topic? That would be insane! At last, I'll be able to make small talk with middle school girls.

- OR -

Will this forever ruin it when I tell people TR is my favorite president? "Oh, you just like him because of that movie," they'll tell me. (The movie Nixon has not lead to this problem....)

Theodore has been my favorite president since I read a book about his childhood when I student at Pleasant Valley Elementary School. Let the record be clear on that.

I Be Illin' (sorry)

2005-09-07T22:06:00.000-04:00

I'm sick. But I'm not that sick. So my thoughts are more on what it's like to be sick than how sick I feel. This is a better topic on which to focus anyway.

The weird thing about being sick is that it's hard to remember how you feel when you are normal. And when you're normal, it's hard to remember what it's like to feel sick.

This makes me wonder, is one person's normal the same as another's? And why must we settle for normal? Many of us don't, thus the prominent role drugs and alcohol play in the life of humans. Or exercise, if the natural high is your lot. (Unrelated note - cigarettes are stupid - no buzz, cost money, make you die an awful death, pollute the environment and are stinky.) These days, my best buzz comes from Rock 'n Roll.

I like minor injuries. Decent sized cuts, minor broken bones, large bruises, things of that nature. It's fun to watch yourself heal. And to play with your injury. Injury come from accidents, usually. But from where does sickness come?

School taught us all the answer to that. Bacteria or viruses. Thus, I either have a virus or a bacterial infection (bacterial infection sounds a lot more badass) currently in my body. As I basically have a cold, I most likely have a virus.

Etymology: Virus comes from Latin, shockingly enough - referring to poison and
other noxious things.

You should remember that a virus enters your cells and reproduces in them. Viruses do this because they can only reproduce if they invade and control other cells (currently mine). They do not have the necessary combination of DNA and RNA to do it on their own.

Antibiotics kill bacteria - for now. A virus is only stopped by vaccination, time, or the death of the host. Bacteria is alive. Some debate evolves around whether or not a virus is actually "alive." Much like the debate around whether or not glass is a solid or a liquid, I think this is stupid. Glass is a solid and a virus is not alive. I can't breath or swim in glass. As for viruses, you must be able to reproduce on your own to be alive. (I mean that on a species wide basis, not individual, so questions on my current status of "being alive" can be forwarded up your ass.)

The question I really have is - why do we get sick? What positive role does this play? At first, I thought I had an easy answer to this question. I am sick now to strengthen my immune system so prepare for new and stronger illnesses down the line. But if the Man Upstairs never created any substances that make us sick, getting sick to prevent future sickness would be unnecessary.

I suppose the answer is a bit more depressing than "I'm going through this because I'll be a better person coming out the other side." In fact, many things that make us feel bad do so simply because life is unfair and without meaning. Getting sick is a good example of this. Hurriance Katrina - I'm unsure where it falls on that scale.

Getting sick just doesn't provide the same harmony as the female menstrual cycle. It's just pointless.

Questions

2005-08-31T12:22:00.000-04:00

via scribblefaster, irrelevent questions:

What are you wearing right now?
purple shirt and tie

What is your good luck charm?
I married mine.

What's your room like?
blank walls. Can't decide where the pictures should be hung. It's been over a year now.

What is life to you?
Opportunity to improve yourself through others. A command to explore.

What are you doing now?
Piggybacking on someone else's idea. Avoiding huge list of work. Inexplicably NOT using the restroom, and I really need to.

What do you hate most?
Those who believe they have compassion and they clearly don't. Narrow minds. Negative attitudes.

What do you love most?
Wifey. Potential. To rationalize. Laughter.

Are you musically inclined?
Yes. I hope to win a contest someday.

What would you do if you woke up one morning and found that the person you were in love with didn't exist?
It would be like waking up and missing your lungs. Excruciatingly painful, and would make it difficult to exist.

If you could go back in time, and change something, what would it be?
Don't wanna be paralyzed by things I can't change. Next question.

Ever had a near death experience? Explain.
Think I saw a dude die on an escalator. Had several near misses in various traffic incidents.

Name a quality you have.
Patience. Ability to make typically easy things a little bit harder and more confusing.

What's the name of the song that's stuck in your head right now?
"In the Meantime" - Spacehog. Why on earth I have no idea. Songs from "A Muppet Christmas" yesterday. Also "Song for the Asking" by Paul Simon.

Are you happy today?
I could be if I tried, I know it.

Seen anything weird lately?
Hawaiian hobos

What is the word(s) most often used in your vocabulary?
*yawn*

What is the last film you saw?
The aviator

If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?:
Loyalty.

Tell me some things about you that people don't know:
I always get incredible parking spots. always

Do you like to dance?
Sure. Need a beer or two first.

George Bush...
is lost.

Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
Jane

Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
"Chris Rulz 2010"

Would you ever consider living abroad?
Depends on who's dime.

What was your first official job?
Summer camp counselor. It was heaven.

Do you believe in love at first sight?
Absolutely.

Have you had an encounter with the same sex?
Nope.

Who broke your heart?
Those who wanted to. Mean girls.

Makeout with the person you are in love with or have sex with a dozen strangers?
Making out could lead to doin' it with the one you love over a dozen times.

Indecent proposal - would you have sex with a really unattractive stranger for money? If so, how much?
Must ask permission first. Would help that they are unattractive. A hundred million after taxes.

I love him/or her because:
as someone wrote once: "I got a list and it ain't short"

If I had 24 hours before the world I ended would:
Find a hammock. Probably drink a little. Say my prayers.

If you could change anything about yourself, what would you change:
Should I want to be a bad liar?

What do you dream about?
Guns. I don't know why.

What is your all-time favorite movie quote.
"Steve Perry... Steve Perry... - Hey, I thought we said no more Journey psych-outs"

Soundtrack of your life?
Instant Karma - John Lennon
What I Be - Michael Franti & Spearhead

Opinions Solicited

2005-08-30T15:18:00.000-04:00

I am making my father a 60s mix for his 60th birthday this weekend. Any thoughts or suggestions on the below?

Subterranean Homesick Blues 2:24 Bob Dylan
Friday On My Mind 2:52 The Easy Beats
Red Rubber Ball 2:20 The Cyrkle
We Gotta Get Out of This Place 3:16 The Animals
Time of the Season 3:26 The Zombies
The Weight 4:34 The Band
Waterloo Sunset 3:15 The Kinks
Eve Of Destruction 3:33 Barry McGuire
Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da 3:08 The Beatles
Me and Julio Down By the School Yard 2:44 Paul Simon
Mercy Mercy 2:26 Don Covay
Lookin' Out My Back Door 2:32 Creedence Clearwater Revival
Paint it Black - Rolling Stones
Ooh La La 3:31 The Faces
Satisfied Mind 2:30 The Byrds
Monday, Monday (Single Version) 3:28 The Mamas & The Papas
Mary Anne With the Shaky Hand 2:28 The Who
Sloop John B [Stereo Mix] 2:59 The Beach Boys
Build Me Up Buttercup 2:42 The Foundations
America 3:33 Simon & Garfunkel
Crimson And Clover 3:27 HolliesI Shall Be Free No. 10 4:47 Bob Dylan
Catch The Wind 2:56 Donovan
(Sittin' on) the Dock of the Bay 2:39 Otis Redding The Very Best of Otis Redding R&B/Soul

College Rankings

2005-08-29T20:48:00.000-04:00

Apparently, Penn State had more to offer than just the opportunity o sleep until 3pm and still graduate with an A minus average. I stand by my choice.

Penn State hits Top 10
As students head back to campus, Washington Monthly magazine has issued its ranking of how well "these heavily subsidized institutions" serve the national interest. The magazine used three criteria -- that schools should be "engines of social mobility," should "produce academic minds and scientific research that advance knowledge and drive economic growth," and should "encourage an ethic of service." The winners were by no means the usual Harvards or Yales. The top five: MIT, UCLA, Cal-Berkeley, Cornell, Stanford. No. 6: Penn State.

Just In From the 700 Club

2005-08-25T02:08:00.000-04:00

Pat Issues Apology Followed by...
New York City (Gonzo)

Rev. Pat Robertson (I -Idiot) issued an apology today for his remarks earlier this month advocating the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. Robertson said, "I'm sorry. The devil made me do it. Jesus was on vacation, biking, fishing, and boating in Idaho, and I was susceptible." Reports are that the Christos finds Texas too "warm" and reminds him of a "battle nearly lost and not yet finished."

Robertson stood by his remarks about nuclear smart bombs and said Bill and Hillary Clinton were still prime targets. Feminists, Robertson notes, lead women to witchcraft. As for the Supreme court and he still hopes liberal Supreme Court Justices die prompt and horrible deaths. After the press conference the Reverend handed out stacks of Pat's Miracle Protein Pancakes, saying "The biggest miracle about these pancakes is the profits are tax free! Gotta love that separation of Church and State! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

After this, Robertson was impossible to understand. His followers believe he speaks in tongues during these moments.

Robertson, a noted Christian Religious Leader received many votes for President in 1988 in the race for the Republican nomination, eventually losing to George H W Bush. He continues to be a religious leader in America. His noted program, the 700 Club, is a top ten show in syndication. His remarks originally aired 22 August 2005.

My New Religion

2005-08-19T09:28:00.000-04:00

The following is thanks to Boing Boing:

Two months ago, Cory was among the first to blog about "Flying Spaghetti Monster" -- the overlord of a new parody religion created to protest a Kansas State Board of Education decision allowing Fucking Stupid Intelligent Design to be taught in science classes.

The FSM cult now has a Wikipedia entry, with details that indicate that followers of His Noodliness -- Pastafarians -- are growing in number, like so many meatballs accumulating on a plate of linguini. A few of the facts I learned:

Codes of conduct: Prayers are ended with the word RAmen rather than Amen.

Benefits of conversion: Like the great noodles they worship, Flying Spaghetti Monsterists have flimsy moral standards.

Promise of a stripper factory and a beer volcano in Heaven.

A rival faction, based on SPAM (Spaghetti & Pulsar Activating Meatballs), has formed and is calling for a Holy War against FSM. SPAMation claims to have the One True Letter to the Kansas School Board. Link to Wikipedia entry.

So, here's a question. If some people see Jesus in a tortilla, or the Virgin Mary on a grilled cheese sandwich, where does the Flying Spaghetti Monster show up to avoid redundancy?

Previously: Dear Kansas: Why stop at "Intelligent Design?" What about Spaghetti Monsters?
posted by Xeni Jardin at 12:25:23 AM permalink blogs' comments

Congrats to Lucas

2005-08-10T23:10:00.000-04:00

Here is to Lucas for his wedding to the wonderful Kate. Don't fret, sir, I won't tell her about that night you left Dupont Circle with some new "friends" in quest of a farm with horses the correct size and age to fit your needs.

Posting is on me over the next few weeks as Lucas ahems after his wedding. I'll do my best to keep our 0.62 daily readers entertained.

Look forward to many posts on my personality quirks. I've started keeping lists. Suggestions are as welcome now as ever.

But for now, way to go Chris. You've pulled off quite a trick on that poor lady, convincing her you are worth her time. And don't forget, I've got an entire year from last Saturday to buy you a present.

All that Ass Inside Them Jeans

2005-08-01T14:47:00.000-04:00

Worst. Song. Ever. I should note that I have yet to actually hear it, but in reading these lyrics, any melody would make it worse. It’s almost breathtaking to see how long this is...

Black Eyed Peas
"My Humps"

What you gon' do with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?
I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps. (Check it out)

I drive these brothers crazy,
I do it on the daily,
They treat me really nicely,
They buy me all these ice-ys.
Dolce & Gabbana,
Fendi and then Donna
Karan, they be sharin'
All their money got me wearin'
Fly gearrr but I ain't askin,
They say they love my ass 'n,
Se7en Jeans, True Religion,
I say no, but they keep givin'
So I keep on takin'
And no I ain't taken
We can keep on datin'
I keep on demonstrating.

My love, my love, my love, my love
You love my lady lumps,
My hump, my hump, my hump,
My humps they got u,
She's got me spending.
(Oh) Spendin' all your money on me and spending time on me.
She's got me spendin'.
(Oh) Spendin' all your money on me, on me, on me

What you gon' do with all that junk?
All that junk inside that trunk?
I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
What u gon' do with all that ass?
All that ass inside them jeans?
I'm a make, make, make, make you scream
Make u scream, make you scream.
Cos of my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely lady lumps. (Check it out)

I met a girl down at the disco.
She said hey, hey, hey yea let's go.
I could be your baby, you can be my honey
Lets spend time not money.
I mix your milk wit my cocoa puff,
Milky, milky cocoa,
Mix your milk with my cocoa puff, milky, milky riiiiiiight.

They say I'm really sexy,
The boys they wanna sex me.
They always standing next to me,
Always dancing next to me,
Tryin' a feel my hump, hump.
Lookin' at my lump, lump.
U can look but you can't touch it,
If u touch it I'ma start some drama,
You don't want no drama,
No, no drama, no, no, no, no drama
So don't pull on my hand boy,
You ain't my man, boy,
I'm just tryn'a dance boy,
And move my hump.

My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump.
My lovely lady lumps x3
In the back and in the front.
My lovin' got u,
She's got me spendin'.
(Oh) Spendin' all your money on me and spending time on me.
She's got me spendin'.
(Oh) Spendin' all your money on me, on me, on me.

What you gon' do with all that junk?
All that junk inside that trunk?
I'ma get, get, get, get you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
What you gon' do with all that ass?
All that ass inside them jeans?
I'ma make, make, make, make you scream
Make you scream, make you scream.
What you gon' do with all that junk?
All that junk inside that trunk?
I'ma get, get, get, get you drunk,
Get you love drunk off this hump.
What you gon' do wit all that breast?
All that breast inside that shirt?
I'ma make, make, make, make you work
Make you work, work, make you work.
She's got me spendin'.
Spendin' all your money on me and spendin' time on me
She's got me spendin'.
Spendin' all your money on me, on me, on me.

This is the LFO Presidency

2005-07-29T10:45:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, Billboard released its top list of "summer songs" and by the beard of zeus, somehow LFO (or Lyte Funkie Ones) found their way into the mix.

To recap:

"Summer Girls" was a summer hit, entering the Hot 100 the week of July 17, 1999. LFO, a trio from Orlando, Florida, originally known as Lyte Funky Ones, relied on lyrics that bordered on nonsense: "Hip-hop marmalade, spic and span, met you one summer and it all began." Along the way, the band name-checks everyone from Kevin Bacon to Paul Revere, along with Abercrombie & Fitch, Michael J. Fox, New Kids on the Block, Larry Bird and William Shakespeare.

So let's take the things that worked for LFO: the nonsense-peddling, smooth talking, transparent-coolness, the constant smirking, and the unrelenting confidence in themselves and apply it to politics. Could it work? Yes. LFO - thy name is GWB.

We are in the midst of the LFO presidency.

Think about it. In 1999 we have LFO pretending to be these cool dudes blabbing bizarre crap and people are buying it. Let's compare which is the more insane rambling:

"What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position."

"Cheery Pez, cold crush, rock star boogie, used to hate school so I had to play hookie, Always been hip to the B-boy Style, Known to act wild and make girls smile, Love New Edition and the Candy Girl, Remind me of you because you rock my world... ...Think about that summer and I bug, cause I miss it, Like the color purple, macaroni and cheese, Ruby red slippers and a bunch of trees..."

One of those was told (or sung) directly to Molly Ivins and the other was not. Unless you tell me, I still can't figure out which is LFO and which is GWB. But I think the point is clear: they both suck goats.

Now the question is how has GWB's hit single lasted for two elections? Last week, I wouldn't have known - but now that I see that (gasp) the record industry has been buying popularity and that right there explains both LFO and GWB. Imagine if a record company like Arista Records (owned by BMG no less) existed ONLY to further the career of LFO. LFO would probably still be on the airwaves singing of Abercrombie & Fitch. However, GWB has his own dedicated record-company flush with cash looking to promote his most vapid qualities while acting like a rogue publicist hell bent on making America love him despite society's better inclinations: The Republican National Committee.

BUT WAIT - is there a connection? Yes. Andrew Lack, CEO of BMG is also a fairly big Republican donor (search fec.gov b/w 1996 and present).

This leads me to believe that the tactics of buying popularity in music are applicable to politics and that in some cases, the exact same people are doing the buying.

So what can we learn from this? Besides the fact that neither LFO or GWB are Lyte, nor Funky (reference GWB's dance on the steps with Ricky Martin. That was easily the most un-funky thing in the history of man)?

Well I think its obvious we need Wilco to run for president.

No time for poetry but exactly what is

2005-07-28T12:24:00.000-04:00

Kerouac's Belief and Technique for Modern Prose

List of Essentials

-Scribbled secret notebooks, and wild typewritten pages, for yr own joy
-Submissive to everything, open, listening
-Try never get drunk outside yr own house
-Be in love with yr life
-Something that you feel will find its own form
-Be crazy dumbsaint of the mind
-Blow as deep as you want to blow
-Write what you want bottomless from bottom of mind
-The unspeakable visions of the individual
-No time for poetry but exactly what is
-Visionary tics shivering in the chest
-In tranced fixation dreaming upon object before you
-Remove literary, grammatical and syntactical inhibition
-Like Proust be an old teahead of time
-Telling the true story of the world in interior monolog
-The jewel center of interest is the eye within the eye
-Write in recollection and amazement for yourself
-Work from pithy middle eye out, swimming in language sea
-Accept loss forever
-Believe in the holy contour of life
-Struggle to sketch the flow that already exists intact in mind
-Don't think of words when you stop but to see picture better
-Keep track of every day the date emblazoned in yr morning
-No fear or shame in the dignity of yr experience, language & knowledge
-Write for the world to read and see yr exact pictures of it
-Bookmovie is the movie in words, the visual American form
-In Praise of Character in the Bleak inhuman Loneliness
-Composing wild, undisciplined, pure, coming in from under, crazier the better
-You're a Genius all the time
-Writer-Director of Earthly movies Sponsored & Angeled in Heaven
As ever,
Jack

Saw this here and thought it deserved a repeat. I agree with all of them, and they agree with me.

UPDATE: I think I missed an opportunity to write about this instead of just posting. What truly astounds me about this list is that it was a letter to a buddy of his. Now, I bet all of his letters weren't as un/intentionally amazing as this one, but going back into my gmail, I look at letters I've written to friends. Does anything compare? Does anything really add to the fabric of society and culture?

Tomorrow: Sunshine. Hot. Heat index near 110F. High 98F. Winds SE at 5 to 10 mph.
In my opinion golf lessons can NEVER hurt.
Your bureau dimensions: length = 33.8"height = 46.5"width = 18.7"what fun!
Guy, we don't need no roof rack. just a sheet and some rope. we'll tie it down through the windows

What we've learned here is that I am not a writer, I have no real advice on how to do anything important, and I either moved a mattress or a body. I must concentrate on writing everything so that it will seem more profound and important upon my untimely demise.

The Six Inch Difference

2005-07-26T23:06:00.000-04:00

I starting seeing back to school commercials on the tv over the past few weeks. What an awful thing to start in the middle of July. There are two running on the shows I watch (World News Tonight , 60 Minutes). One is a pretty lame Wal-Mart commercial and the other is a fairly decent LL Bean Commercial. The LL Bean commercial advertises a new back pack that flashes and thus attracts fire flies, which follow a cute little boy as he walks home. (Is it ok that I use fire fly and lightning bug interchangeably? I also say both pop and soda. I prefer pop and lightning bug but I find I say each one's rival with more frequency. On this same train of thought, I prefer "electrical storm" to "thunder storm" but I never say electrical storm. It seems more refined in some odd, British way and I wish I said it but it just never happens, despite years of conscious effort. )

Stay on target, stay on target.

Back to school commercials remind me of the awful feeling I'd get when I knew I had to go back to school. Having to wake up in the morning being the biggest pending issue. When I see these adverts now, they reminds me of the two most awful feelings I have felt on a repeated basis as an adult.

Those two feelings are:

Depression - depression lies somewhere in your stomach. An odd feeling of emptiness and a bad tingle in your tummy. You just don't care about anything but it's okay, you can deal with it. You're only bleeding and it's life and life only.

Anxiety - anxiety on the other hand is an impenetrable force of misery. It's the emptiness of depression combined with a racing heart and awful, shooting pains down your arms. You just want to feel relaxed, normal, but you can't. It's all consuming. Odd situations on the streets that you normally wouldn't even register surprise and scare you. You're jumpy. You can't eat. And when you do eat, it makes your heart race race race. I tend to eat a lot of fruit and cottage cheese when I feel like this. And say a lot of stupid things cuz I am so focused on my unhappiness I can't pay attention to others.

My school days provide us with a good example of these emotions.

Depression is Sunday night, when the 60 Minutes watch is your life tick tocking away and you just don't want to deal with home room in the morning.

Anxiety is when you get that pink slip from the principal's office and the way you feel during the long walk down the hall. And the knowing look on the secretary's face. And your file folder sitting on the big guy's desk.

Anxiety is dialing the phone, asking the girl out. Depression is her saying no.

I think why I prefer depression to anxiety is because depression is a six inch lower feeling. You're down but it's about something beyond your control. Deal with it and move on, it's over.

Anxiety, though, is about something pending. It's depression combined with nerves. Knowing you have to face something that you must deal with - for random reasons of love, honesty, misbehaver, whatever.

On a completely unrelated note, one of the sick results (pleasures?) of doing laundry in your building's communal machines is that sometimes you find someone else's stuff as you fold. The girl whose panties now reside in my trash can really needs to wipe her ass better. And it wasn't even a thong.

Never Smoked WedEeeD

2005-07-19T21:23:00.000-04:00

Do you want a Supreme Court justice who never smoked weed? That is what we have.

John Roberts, Jr. seems like a good man. I enjoyed his speech and he is obviously a great lawyer. Are these bad things in a Supreme Court justice? Yes and no. Part of the problem comes from the Left. For example:

NARAL alleged that Roberts had actively worked to overturn the 1973 Roe v. Wade decision that struck down state laws outlawing abortion.
The Alliance for Justice criticized Roberts for his arguments against the use of racial considerations by the public sector, known by its supporters as affirmative action.

First of all, I don't believe in affirmative action either. Do you support making decisions based on people's skin color? Oh, you don't? Then you are against affirmative action too.

The abortion thing - fuck that shit. The best argument that can be made against abortion is that God doesn't believe in it. Well, I don't believe in God so that affects me how? And if you really have that strong of a belief in a maker, then you certainly accept the fact that everyone's personal decisions are between them in their maker. You play no role here, buddy.

But Roberts will be confimed. Done deal, no reason not too. And cuz all you stupid Libs on the Hill are looking for any dirt on this man you can find, you've done it to yourselves. Give me a pot smoking right wing fucker before you give me a nerdy, by the books, academic good "advocate." At least the pot smoker would respect eminent domain laws.....

Genius

2005-07-19T20:33:00.000-04:00

Finding the Past Version of Me

2005-07-13T22:01:00.000-04:00

In preparing for this summer's main event, I have been looking for pictures. I realized that I probably had some stuck in between the pages of the journal I used to keep. What I didn't realize is that I would come across words that I wrote almost every day during my junior year of college. These words are mine, but the emotion behind them is foreign to me. It is like reading someone else's thoughts. I feel the same kind of guilt you might from reading someone else's diary. But there are some choice lines in there:

april 4, 1998: just given a look colder than pennsylvania steel.
april 29, 1998: elementary school was crazy; always in lines.
may 12, 1998: please do not extinguish your cigarettes in the toilet. they get soggy and are hard to relight.
june 10, 1998: life is flammable.
june 29, 1998: washington state is emerald, hawks & eagles, a million people where a million people shouldn't be, humble as hell.
october 7, 1998: i swear it's like i'm ripping out my own bloodfeathers.
april 13, 1999: i am not a superhero, but i can save your time.
may 13, 1999: my rabies shot got fucked up and i have no idea
what i'm going to do.
may 22, 1999: i rocked all of my finals.
june 16, 1999: in love with k.

It reminds of a time where I thought I wanted to be a writer. When I thought New England was all there was and all there really should be. I know somewhere there is more, but I don't know where those later journals are or what words are in them. What I do know is that some parts of it I'd love for my kids to see, and some parts I wouldn't - only because I don't want them to be embarassed for me. By things like pathetic poems written with abundant drama, yet completely voiceless, or how excited their dad was when he got a green car.

Laughing all the Way to the Bank

2005-07-12T15:00:00.000-04:00

As you may or may not have noticed, we have added advertisements to this site. We have done this for one reason only: to make mad moolah off the poor souls who have read, or inexplicably continue to read this site. And having done the math, jones and i are gonna be making some serious paper.

By my calculations, jones and i are going to be able to afford luxury cars. However, it will come down to this: Do we split the profits or do we let one of us buy a car, followed by the other?. Methinks a recipe for disaster is brewing - 2 parts friendship, 1 part cash-money, and 1 part IRS. Delicious.

The good news is that we have plenty of time to work this out, as currently it will take roughly 3,864.73 years for us to make enough money to buy said vehicles, making the year 5689 our target date for our drag race. That's assuming we can avoid paying taxes that long. And that inflation is kept in check. And that the US dollar still exsits. And that old people are still aloud to drive at dangerous ages.

Pearls Before Swine

2005-07-11T22:19:00.000-04:00

Blogger recently made posting images very easy. To celebrate, I'd like to share a few highlights from my (current) favorite comic strip, Pearls Before Swine. If you do not read Pearls every day you are missing out on one life's simple pleasures. Please feel free to email this blog for directions on how use of bloglines and RSS feeds to read a few (or scores, in my case) comic strips a day. Click on any of the below to open them up - larger - in a new screen. Indeed, if you click it, it grows.

Scratching an Artsy Itch

2005-07-07T12:16:00.000-04:00

When I was much younger (I'm thinking 2nd or 3rd grade), I tried out for a school play. I had never sung a note in my life. My teacher then, Mrs. Samuelson, let me try out to be nice and it turned out I apparently had quite the voice. It was your stock young kid voice with way too much vibrato and no understanding of how to blend in with a chorus, but nonetheless, she gave me a big part and I sang and I sang and I sang and I sang for years after that. Lots of plays followed, with some very real parts in high school performing at the Boston Conservatory of Music and a professional show where I almost got equity standing. The cool thing about the BCM shows was that I was in high school, surrounded by an almost completely female cast of college women who were desperate for a guy who was straight. In short, a good time to be me.

Later I had callback audition in NYC for The Secret Garden, and heard words I had never been told before: "Nice job Lucas, but you're just too tall for this part. Exsqueeze me? I guess I should mention that I used to be really short. In a way that made people look twice. So I had a lot of parts to try out for and choose from because I was old enough to know how to work, and looked like I was 13ish until I turned 18. But after I heard those words, I pretty much gave up the stuff. I have no idea why it was that moment. I don't recall being especially crushed, but for whatever reason that seems to be the time where I stopped performing. Aside from a year and a half in Theatresports at college, I haven't done much since.

But that is to change. I think I miss it enough to go back. I want to start doing this stuff again. My resume is a blank slate (other than open mics at Dremo's), so I have nowhere to go but up. So here's my plan. I stop doing a half-ass job on my demo, and actually put some effort into it (this will require getting my hands back on the computer that doesn't openly weep when turning it on) and finish the thing. Then look at auditions for silly Arlington community theater or something like that. I see no reason not to do this.

On Neatness

2005-07-05T20:26:00.000-04:00

Who am I? What am I becoming?

Who is this person picking up after himself?

I learned a long time ago that messiness leads to messiness but who knew that neatness would take me to...wait for it...more neatness?

Fed up with the roaches and other gross bugs that were rapidly becoming my roommates (and fearing they would sadly become my only bedmates) I decided to google "how to get rid of roaches" a few weeks back. One site had some very good advice in its opening paragraph and then asked this question: "What do you think if you walk into a restaurant and see a roach? You immediately think 'this establishment is unclean, don't you?' Well, perhaps the reason you have roaches is a general lack of cleanliness."

This hit home, hard. It was at this moment I became determined to clean. Could something actually be myfault? The next day, I rushed to the store and bought scurbbers and solvent containing bleach and paper towels and as soon as I got home I went to town. Two sweaty hours later, I was thrilled with the result. I wasn't sure that I would get rid of the bugs but I was sure it would be nice to no longer live in a land of crumbs, grime and pubic hairs.

My mother would always tell me about the messes in which I lived: "son, if you would just get it really clean and then make an effort to keep it that way, it would not be so bad. And you do not have to do it every day. Just every few days make sure everything is neat. But you have to get it c l e a n first."

Mom, I pray to God you never read this blog, but let this serve as your thank you note. It's true, once you get a place clean, it's not so bad to keep up with it. In fact, I cannot imagine myself ever being quite so messy again. I find myself picking up my plates every night and I cannot stand it when there are dishes left in the sink. I even dry my dishes on a regular basis so things are not left sitting about. And junk mail - right to the trash - no more sitting on the table for weeks with you.

It's started to over take over aspects of my life as well. My car has never been so neat. And even my desk at work is rapidly becoming a place you would eat off of (I was always willing to do so).

Where this all leads, I do not know. But there is something to this neatness thing. Cleanliness is godliness, is that the phrase? I am excited to see where this all takes me. However, if I ever start talking about the glory of alphabetizing my CDs or using the Dewey Decimal system to organize my books, please shoot me.

Baby Fiscal Year

2005-07-01T14:07:00.000-04:00

I have always loved my birthday. And by that I mean, I really like the day, July 1. I've generally kept mum about the aging process, etc, but for whatever reason, I just think July 1 is such a cool date. I have little else to go on but my gut feeling, so I did some investigating and came up with very little (that was interesting to me):

-July 1 was the day that the Declaration of Independence was first voted upon.
-In 1892, Lincoln appointed Isaac Newton the Secretary of Agriculture.
(all sorts of facts like this are available from the History Channel)

OK. so maybe I should look at this day from the recycling perspective. Over the years on this day, we have lost Harriet Beecher Stowe, Wolfman Jack, and Marlon Brando. So who was born on July 1 to take their place? Myself, Dan Aykroyd, and Pamela Anderson. Yikes. Not a great return on the investment, huh. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad, but Blues Brothers 2000 really screwed my little group.

So in summary, there is no reason that July 1 is the best day of the year, other than that's what my mom tells me.

The Frontier

2005-06-22T13:34:00.000-04:00

I am off to Wyoming for a few days for work, where I will be talking about what its like to live in Frontier America (from a health care perspective). For the purposes of this conference, frontier specifically means that there's roughly 6 people per square mile and you are 60 minutes and/or 60 miles from the nearest place that has a gas station or brothel. Obviously I can speak with unquestioned credibility on this topic because I have grown up near Boston and live in Washington DC.

However, I do live 60 miles or 60 minutes from the nearest quality Dunkin' Donuts, and that is enough to create a similar sense of longing that one might encounter when going into the boondocks and being without electricity.

I'm excited to drive from Denver at night to Cheyenne, to a hotel that I will be sequestered in, and then back to Denver Friday night. I anticipate that the frontier will look dark. I, however, will look smashing thanks to CNN's timely article about how to dress for the frontier. Going to leave those hiking boots at home, I guess.

Ultimately, I'm disappointed that I won't be seeing much of the country outside of Cheyenne. To take a four hour plane ride (in the middle seat. Middle Seat!), and drive all that way to be in a place that is remarkable for its lack of remarkability is depressing.

I really want to see where all that federal money is going - as Wyoming is ranked 24th in federal tax dollars received ($1.13 received for every $1.00 paid). Is it me or do those "red states" that rail against big government and "welfare," seem to be the ones that benefit most from the federal tax trough? Those blue states are good for something! Where's all that money in Wyoming going? I mean, besides to keep Dick Cheney's lawn a radiant green.

Anyway - on the upside, I will likely be eating bison for dinner tomorrow. That's right, that's the upside.

Something else to think about

2005-06-20T15:37:00.000-04:00

Saddam slips in the shower and we worry about him getting hurt in the custody of Americans (according to Gentleman's Quarterly). OK. Makes sense to me. But some guy with a middle easternish name who hasn't filled mass graves to capacity in Gitmo is getting water-boarded because he might have known about a guy who was the eighth brother-in-law twice removed in a possible plot to harm americans... or europeans... we're not sure. But we're gonna keep him just in case. Shouldn't this be the other way around, logically speaking?

Personally, I'm not in favor of torturing anyone. I believe in the Geneva Convention, and the security it provides (and has provided) our military. Although I didn't realize that being party to the Convention required us to furnish him cheesy snack treats:

AP: "For a time his favorite food was Cheetos, and when those ran out, Saddam would 'get grumpy,' the story says. One day the guards substituted Doritos corn chips, and Saddam forgot about Cheetos."

I understand Britney Spears went through the same exact thing.

Think on It

2005-06-19T20:46:00.000-04:00

Christianity
"Do unto other as you would have them do unto you, for this is the law and the prophets."
..
Judaism
"What is hurtful to yourself do not to your fellow man. That is the whole of the Torah and the remainder is but commmetary."
..
Islam
"Do unto all men as you would wish to have done unto you; and reject for others what you would reject for yourselves."
..
Buddhishm
"Hurt not others with that which pains yourself."
..
Confucianism
"Tzu-Kun asked, 'Is there one principle upon which one's whole life may proceed?' The master replied, 'Is not Reciprocity such a principle?--what you do not yourself desire, do not put before others.'"
..
Hinduism
"This is the sum of all righteousness--Treat others, as though wouldst thyself be treated. Do nothing to thy neighbor, which hereafter Thou wouldst not have thy neighbor do to thee."

Catching up on What You've Missed

2005-06-17T17:01:00.000-04:00

I took some time today to figure out how to install the archives on this beeyotch. For whatever reason, blogger deleted them and i never knew how to put it back. So congratulations to me for actually looking up how to do it.

If you want to read any of the old stuff you might have missed, you can look under the links.

Seems like a one year anniversary approaches...

Waiting for Bigfoot

2005-06-14T10:14:00.000-04:00

Much like my following of the Biodiesel Bus and The Pepsi Spice Project, this summer's fun will be all about Waiting for Bigfoot.

In sum, exhibition artist Jill Miller is going to spend the months of July and August in the California wilderness in the center of the area from which most Bigfoot sitings are reported.

Here is the link to the project's website.

Oh, and it doesn't hurt that she's totally hot.

She of course has a very long explanation/manifesto about why she is doing this. If you care, you can find it on the project's website.

Did I mention how hot she is? Man, how I'd love to camp out and wait for Bigfoot with her. After that, she and I could live out in Montana somewhere, waiting for aliens.

(Please note that one hot link is physical and the other mental, thankyouverymuch.)

Random Thoughts #2

2005-06-08T12:06:00.000-04:00

This is a great prank.

When going out to dinner with friends, NEVER put the tab on your card and get paid back by the folks who are there. You are going to wind up short by at least 20%, and despite whatever you told yourself, all of that new cash is NOT going to be deposited in your bank account tomorrow. Dude, it's not even going to survive the night.

How come when I'm thirsty I really don't want a beer, but if it's hot I want one? Case in point, 10:30 am and 85 degrees, and I'm thinking about a having a Corona.

When consulting a friend (not jones) on strategies to keep myself occupied while living alone this summer, I was told to eat asparagus so that at least my pee would smell funny.

I don't trust states with more than one time zone.

I am working on a demo hopefully to be finished at the end of the summer/early fall. Because I can record at home in our large closet, I wonder if I'll ever perform a song and say, "this one reminds me of my flannel shirt" because, you know, that's what I was staring at while recording it.

I am in my office and flat out refusing to work right now. I am looking to do anything other than what I am paid to do.

I don't trust people who eat with a spoon and then turn it over in their mouths and draw it out slowly again. And if you do so, and you are not a stripper, stop.

I had the same reaction to "Britney & Kevin: Chaotic" and 10 minutes of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" with the Red Sox (close eyes, wince, clench fists, leave/change channel constantly) as I do to horror movies.

Speaking of that Queer Eye episode, I am amazed at how lifelike digital animation is. It looked exactly like the Red Sox players were on Queer Eye. I mean, it looked just like them the whole time. It was amazing (please allow me to believe this is what really happened).

The president of Bolivia resigned. In my head, I could hear myself imitating Napolean Dynamite. - "Luuucky..."

I watched Independence Day the other night. I noticed that I love a Pulitzer Prize winning book of the same title by acclaimed author Richard Ford, and a movie starring Will Smith and Bill Pullman equally. So there’s that.

I now own this shirt. And I freaking love it.

Will Wonders Never Cease

2005-06-06T21:49:00.000-04:00

Who would have thought it would be Clarence Thomas holding strong.

http://www.cnn.com/2005/LAW/06/06/scotus.medical.marijuana/index.html

Waste Your Time Here Today

2005-06-02T09:30:00.000-04:00

Where? at the Church Sign Generator, of course!

Feel free to send us your work and we'll probably post it. What's the Over/Under on number of hours before Jones does a Nixon themed one?

Ode to W. Mark Felt

2005-06-01T22:24:00.000-04:00

Just look what you've done
To the honest man
who brought the boys back home from Vietnam
He was one true pure American
So we're gonna paint the White House black
Paint the White House black
Until you bring Richard M. Nixon back
We're gonna paint the White House black
....
He cut the Russians down to size
Made the Chinese squint their eyes
He was one true pure American
So we're gonna paint the White House black
Paint the White House black
Until you bring Richard M. Nixon back
We're gonna paint the White House black
...
Oh W. Mark Felt
Just look at the name you were dealt
Did you Deep Throat Dick
While he Felt you up?
....
Paint the White House black
Paint the White House black
Until you bring Richard M. Nixon back
We're gonna paint the White House black

Ben Stein Knows

2005-06-01T14:02:00.000-04:00

Deep Throat and Genocide
By Ben Stein

Re: The "news" that former FBI agent Mark Felt broke the law, broke his code of ethics, broke his oath and was the main source for Carl Bernstein and Bob Woodward's articles that helped depose Richard Nixon, a few thoughts.

Can anyone even remember now what Nixon did that was so terrible? He ended the war in Vietnam, brought home the POW's, ended the war in the Mideast, opened relations with China, started the first nuclear weapons reduction treaty, saved Eretz Israel's life, started the Environmental Protection Administration. Does anyone remember what he did that was bad?

Oh, now I remember. He lied. He was a politician who lied. How remarkable. He lied to protect his subordinates who were covering up a ridiculous burglary that no one to this date has any clue about its purpose. He lied so he could stay in office and keep his agenda of peace going. That was his crime. He was a peacemaker and he wanted to make a world where there was a generation of peace. And he succeeded.

That is his legacy. He was a peacemaker. He was a lying, conniving, covering up peacemaker. He was not a lying, conniving drug addict like JFK, a lying, conniving war starter like LBJ, a lying, conniving seducer like Clinton -- a lying, conniving peacemaker. That is Nixon's kharma.

When his enemies brought him down, and they had been laying for him since he proved that Alger Hiss was a traitor, since Alger Hiss was their fair-haired boy, this is what they bought for themselves in the Kharma Supermarket that is life:

1.) The defeat of the South Vietnamese government with decades of death and hardship for the people of Vietnam.

2.) The assumption of power in Cambodia by the bloodiest government of all time, the Khmer Rouge, who killed a third of their own people, often by making children beat their own parents to death. No one doubts RN would never have let this happen.

So, this is the great boast of the enemies of Richard Nixon, including Mark Felt: they made the conditions necessary for the Cambodian genocide. If there is such a thing as kharma, if there is such a thing as justice in this life of the next, Mark Felt has bought himself the worst future of any man on this earth. And Bob Woodward is right behind him, with Ben Bradlee bringing up the rear. Out of their smug arrogance and contempt, they hatched the worst nightmare imaginable: genocide. I hope they are happy now -- because their future looks pretty bleak to me.

Deep Throat

2005-05-31T23:08:00.000-04:00

What to make of W. Mark Felt?

Seems like a nice old man in the videos I saw on the news. But doesn't anyone whose first name is an initial immediately draw your scorn?

There is no doubt that W. Mark Felt is Deep Throat. I was really rooting for Henry Kissinger. Or at least Diane Sawyer. I want to do Diane Sawyer. But I knew it was not her, Nixon was too adamant that it couldn't be her - she did not know enough. But this W. Mark Felt character was a favorite suspect of Nixon.

The Vanity Fairarticle is pretty much a joke. Makes W. Mark Felt out to be just a plain old pefect person. Please. I promised myself I would reserve judgment on W. Mark Felt until reading his story. I like the fact that he has decided to make no profit from his. That is a point in his favor. The Vanity Fair article is fairly insistent that he was more driven into this by his family (who believe him a "patriot" - question, was a German in the 1940s who vigorously fought for the Nazis a good "patriot" ?) and did not decide to make this disclosure himself.

It's interesting that he wrote an entire book about his FBI experiences and denied being Deep Throat in that book. Just kinda odd, that is. Also interesting that he was one of J. Edgar Hoover's closest proteges. Perhaps this explains the name, W. Mark Felt?

The real issue at hand is - sour grapes or man doing the right thing? Vanity Fair and its ilk in the liberal media would have us believe this was a man acting out of duty. And then they spin you a yarn about how tortured he was to turn on the FBI and reveal this information. (For those that do not know, W. Mark Felt was a career man at the FBI, rising to second in command by the 1970s.)

Only NBC hit on the angle to this story I think is the most important. W. Mark Felt's decision was based more on sour grapes than anything else. This was a man who was taken under Hoover's wing and thought it was his manifest destiny to run the FBI after Hoover left. After Nixon went outside the system and appointed L. Patrick Gray (what is with these people?!?!) instead of W. Mark Felt, Deep Throat was pissed. And revealing information to the insufferable Bob Woodward was his revenge.

Indeed, let no one tell you different. Nixon was brought down by a man just as petty as Nixon himself.

They say that W. Mark Felt's memory is not so lucid these days. But he knows that he loaths Richard Milhous Nixon and that he admires Robert I-fucking-love-myself Woodward. As if admiration of Bob Woodward is not enough to damn someone, let me share this with you: all the articles say W. Mark Felt loves both Scotch and Bourbon. We all know that's not normal. It's one or the other.

In conclusion, up yours W. Mark Felt. And can anyone out there actually stand Bob Woodward and his smugness? Other than W. Mark Felt, that is.

History Cannot be Defeated

2005-05-30T00:08:00.000-04:00

The RoT International Editorial Board finds itself in the odd position of being pleased with the French people. This - coupled with our recent appreciation of Frech wine - would lead to quite the delimna if it were not for the sore back preventing too much thinking....

As predicted in this space months back, the French people have voted down the EU Constitution. I find it laughable that the Chair of the European Commission (whatever his name / title is) claims that this does not end the Constitutional process. Umm excuse me buddy but by your own rules it does. If one member nation fails to ratify the Constitution must be rewritten. Those were at least the rules before the French stepped up to the plate. With the Dutch to quickly follow. But now that is apparently up to debate.

I think the USA should offer the UK a free trade zone. Full membership in NAFTA for the UK, that is what I advocate. As for the rest of Europe, well, the EU can just go back to being a coal trading free market coaltion. But give credit where credit is to - here is to you, French citizens.

I just hope everyone realizes the people of France only voted this way because you don't want to lose their 30 hour work week (nor would I - I *want* a 30 hour work week) and because they have racist / religious fears about Turkey / Muslims. And they fear the influx of cheap labor from Eastern Europe.

Side note: much to the dismay of its farmers and citizens, the French Gov't is buying and destroying wine land - hundreds of year old vines are being tiled into the soil and are lost forever. And thousands of gallons (ahem, liters) of already produced wine is being turned into gasoline. All in the name of keeping prices high. Fucking jokers.

Top 5 Favorite Childhood Movies

2005-05-25T21:50:00.000-04:00

Will we ever get bored of these lists? Time will tell. Let's step away from music for a moment, shall we?

1) The Explorers - After receiving messages in their dreams, three boys build a spaceship out of junk they find in the woods around their homes. The aliens transmitting the dreams give the lead character - a very young Ethan Hawk - the technology (a clear sphere) to travel to them. The aliens then teach the boys "what dreams are made of." This is River Phoenix's first movie appearance. He plays the nerdy scientist of the group. Name: Wolfgang Muller. God, do I love this movie. I still hope this happens to me. Every day.

2) Stand By Me - "Chris, always the peacemaker...." Stand By Me is my answer to "what's your favorite movie." My sister and I probably watched this thing 50 times together. I have not seen it for a year or so and I need to fix that. From "A pile of shit has a thousand eyes" to "leeches!" to the story about the deer, this movie can not be beat.

3) Goonies - What can I say that has never been said before? Contains the best use of a Rube Goldberg device ever found in American cinema. There you go.

4) Can't Buy Me Love - A theme is developing here that embarrasses me. "You didn't ruin the moon for me, you just changed it." And how about that applause scene "Kenneth - he's just trying to make friends...." "Remember when you broke your arm and got carried to the hospital." "you cried the whole way home." Fucking jocks.

5) Lucas - Why did Kerri Green get to be in all these movies? I hated her. But oh boy did I love this movie. Whenever it was on some sleepy weekend afternoon, I was glued to the screen. Sadly, my attempts to call my co-editor Lucaplecia have not caught on.

I am leaving Star Wars off cuz how can you pick just one? Empire has the best opening sequence but A New Hope is my favorite. I have not seen episode III yet so DO NOT RUIN IT FOR ME. There is no doubt in my mind I have forgotten something both great and obvious. So it goes.

High Fidelity Challenge: Top 5 Albums You Must Hear From Start to Finish

2005-05-24T13:01:00.000-04:00

I am a slacker. I was writing out the stuff for this post, but it was getting long, and I just could not find the right words. Fortunately, relatively well compensated music journalists have already done what I am doing. So while I may add a line or two here and there, follow the links for a decent synopsis as to why these 8 albums (5 was too hard)

1. The Beatles - Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. Wow. Lucas picked the Beatles. It sucks you in from the first moment, and ebbs and flows appropriately in all the right places. It is still not only the best concept album, but the songs are unbelievable and stand on their own as well. Exhausted at the end, "A Day in the Life" almost sighs, but not before unleashing sonic hell through an orchestra in one final, adrenaline induced moment. I also believe this album must be listened to from start to finish (or backwards for Paul-is-Dead messages), because it represents the climax of a legendary rivalry. The Beatles released Rubber Soul, which in turn inspired the breathtaking album "Pet Sounds" by the Beach Boys, which then prompted the Beatles to compose Sgt. Pepper's. Every note and arrangement in this album displays a drive to create the best that ever is/was. This is the end product of genius begetting genius begetting genius.

2. Van Morrisson - Astral Weeks. The album has a loose jam feel throughout and it is rumored that Van Morrisson and the band improvised most of the songs on the fly in one take. The song “Sweet Thing” featured early on makes me feel young the same way orange soda does, and the album allows me to stay there throughout. A truly remarkable piece all of the way through.

3. Jimi Hendrix - Are You Experienced? He opened for the Monkees for a short time. That still makes me smile. This album flows like a greatest hits record. Unreal.

4. Radiohead - The Bends. Remember when Radiohead would release songs that you could make out the words too and didn't sound like someone was fiddling with the radio on a long car trip? Watershed album right here folks. Flows like a good, angry, sullen, redeeming book.

5. The Beatles - The White Album. When I am angry with my friends, plans fall apart, projects don't get done, etc. How is it in music this seems to result in masterpieces? Please explain. This is an album that doesn't feel coherent until the last note. Then you wait ten minutes and it all feels right.

6. Pink Floyd - The Wall. Simply put: frightening. One of the few albums that I like ebst for the break in the middle, namely "Vera." My favorite song on the album.

7. Paul Simon - Graceland. It is not a coincidence that the albums which contain the best opening lines also fall into my lists of incredible albums you need to hear start to finish.

8. Jabbering Trout - Swell. Tom Burris writes amazing songs. This was one of those bands you knew in your heart would make it, and then just never did. It was a guitarist and drummer and that's it. The album was intended to be a Musical, and it never materialized. I like that I can only guess at the plot twists in between songs.

Honorable Mentions:
-Grateful Dead - American Beauty
-Green Day - Dookie (I remember loving this album... yes jones, I am a poseur.)
-Belle & Sebastian - If You're Feeling Sinister
-Ben Folds Five - Whatever & Ever Amen
-Talking Heads - Remain in Light
-Bruce Springsteen - Born in the USA
-Frank Sinatra - One Night in Paris (NOT the movie featuring Ms. Hilton. Though were Frank alive, he might be a part of both).

Insert your suggestions in the comments. If I like them, I may... well, honestly I probably won't do anything, but you'll feel good about yourself for having tried.

Conclusion

2005-05-20T16:55:00.000-04:00

Well, I have managed to complete my promised week of posts. I would like to thank you, the reading public, for making this such an enjoyable and enlightening experience. Twice this week I left the bar early in order to meet my self-imposed deadline. Sadly, my review of the Built to Spill show I saw this week never was written (though it was diagramed). RoT will now return to normal posting patterns.

As you go out and deal with the world at large, remember, always give your best, never get discouraged, never be petty; always remember, others may hate you, but those who hate you don't win unless you hate them, and then you destroy yourself.

Have A Secret?

2005-05-19T11:04:00.000-04:00

This is amazing. People write their deepest secret on a post card. It is then posted on this website. Some really amazing, disturbing stuff here.

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

"Only Chinese Foot Binding Can Help"

2005-05-18T22:19:00.000-04:00

In college I took a theatre class that required you to see three plays. I saw one in which three ways women have "wronged" themselves in history to "please" men was the subject of the play. One was Chinese foot binding, one was breast implants and the third was the wearing of corsets. The play was lame, but I *did* want to do the blonde w/ the big fake boobs.

No week of me posting would be complete without a Fark photoshop contest. This one is about the runaway bride. I hated that story, but this is a fabulous photoshop contest.

Go here to see why the subject line of this post is as funny as it is.

http://forums.fark.com/cgi/fark/comments.pl?IDLink=1486311

My Links

2005-05-17T21:43:00.000-04:00

Since the week of posts is aboutaboutme, I've decided to comment on my links. Just mine - not mutual section - which speaks for itself.

boingboing - My favorite blog on the Internet. It's written by five different people. You can never be sure what you'll find here. But for the most part the blog is very heavy on new technology (gadgets in particular), Japanese pop culture, Science Fiction, philosophy, geeky stuff on the web, and freedom of downloading from the Internet. Always has a new fun way to use / decorate an iPod.

Arts and Letters Daily - A service of the Chronicle of Higher Education. Updated daily with Articles of Note, Book Reviews and Opinion Essays. My bathroom reading stand by.

Michael Chabon - The author of Wonder Boys and The Amazing Adventures of Kavaliar and Clay has put together a nice little webpage for himself. Updated with some frequency.

Yahoo! Most Sent - In the year 2000 (hey conan) this was my favorite webpage. But I don't like its current format. I used to send Yahoo! letters complaining every time they changed the page but have since accepted its fate (always getting worse). Also, Yahoo! never gave me the kind of personal response I seek when I write letters to major coporations / politicians. Anyway, the page shows you the top 20 stories and photos being emailed on Yahoo!. You used to be able to sort by last 30 seconds, five minutes, hour, six hours, day, and week. These days it's hard to even see the pictures. But, I will always love Yahoo! most sent.

Sullivan - Not my favorite blog but Andrew Sullivan is my favorite blogger. A British HIV positive homosexual living in American who happens to be a very religious conservative Tory. When he's on, he's great. When he's going on and on about gay marriage, I stop reading for a while. Cuz it gets old, Andy! He provided great coverage of the recent snooze of a British election. I hope Blair holds out for a long time, I don't like that Gordon Brown bloke.

Daily Collegian - The student newspaper of the Pennsylvania State University. Updated during the fall, spring, and summer semesters (save finals time) M-F.

Sam Sloan - I can't explain this, just go there. Some guy living in Brooklyn. He loves chess, to travel, running for office, and has more conspiracy theories than you can shake a stick at. This is why the Internet exists. Sam Sloan successfully represented himself before the United States Supreme Court. Turns out he was not selling junk bonds....

Steelers - One for the thumb boys! I actually prefer the sports coverage in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette (this is from the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review) but the Trib has the only Steelers exclusive news site. Ben - stop riding your damn Harley around town without helmet, ok man? Look for an extensive piece on the Steelers when training camp opens. Ahh, yes, Steelers training camp. The official end of baseball session in Pittsburgh.

SETI@Home - This one is going to win me the Nobel Prize. If you get anything from me, download this. During the time your computer would be idle, a download from SETI allows your machine to analyze data from satillete telescopes. It searches for alien life and then sends the info back to a lab in Berkeley. If it's your computer that finds alien life (which we all know exists) not only do you GET TO BE THE PERSON THAT PROVES ALIENS EXIST, you also get to share in the Nobel Prize money. Assuming, of course, that discovering alien existance wins the Nobel.

33 1/3

2005-05-16T19:38:00.000-04:00

There is a great series of books being published right now. Writers on their favorite records. The Decemberists' Colin Meloy wrote a good piece on the Replacements Let It Be. I have never heard that album but his book is largely autobiographical. I am very anxious for a pending book on Neutral Milk Hotel In the Aeroplane over the Sea. But I wonder if the book I am currently reading can be matched. It is the best essay on punk rock I have ever read.

"It's one of those interesting twists of history that Ramones was introduced in 1976, America's bicentinial year, the year of remembering the Declaration of Independence. While punk -- especially in its 1980s and 90s incarnations -- is often associated with anarchist dissent and alienation from the mainstream, there is also a very homespun, nostalgic demension to the original punk movement, especially its American version. After all, the do-it-yourself philosophy is part of the American tradition, stretching back to Ralph Waldo Emerson's call for self-reliance. Of course, you don't need to know or even care about these things to like the music, and in a way it goes against the whole spirit of punk to read too much into its sources and traditions. But part of the appeal of punk as embodied by the Ramones arose from how it managed to tap into this American tradition of independence and resistance that pits the little fellow against the forces of the big, while at the same time rejecting tradition."

Also:

"Punk music's great strength ... was its ability to convey this sense of explosive joy while at the same time hinting at some larger idea you could never really be sure was there."

Nicholas Rombes
Ramones - Ramones
#20 in the 33 1/3 series by Continuum Books

Getting to Jazz

2005-05-15T22:52:00.000-04:00

Malcom X Park really is the place to be on Sundays in Adams Morgan.

Today I watched a flock of sparrows playing around in the dirt. It's really odd how they do that. I kept looking at the birds, wondering if one of them was my special friend from last Sunday. I swear, one of them looked at me like he knew me. But it was nothing like the stare down I once had with a gorilla. That's another story though.

The park is so great because on one end you can watch a bunch of crazies play soccer and on the other end - it's a bongo session til the sun goes down. Probably 10 drummers, five horn players on a good day, and a variety of other percussion instruments. It's amazing when they "get it." I even find my own rythumless self gyrating about (and then quickly get self-conscious). But there are certain moments these bongo sessions make me think "Jazz, I'm eventually going to get Jazz!" I love to imagine Neal Cassady at my side yelling "Go Man GO GO GOOO." Improv - there is a lot more to it than I used to realize.

The only drag of the whole thing is there is always one cop, sitting on a wall, watching it all go down. The only reason they station a cop there is to prevent people from lighting up a joint. There is no doubt in my mind about that. Never let someone tell you this is a free country. At least he doesn't stop them from selling coconuts (chopped w/ a machete and served with a straw).

My camera phone doesn't do it justice, but go here to see some photos.

Self Heating Coffee

2005-05-14T13:17:00.000-04:00

What a planet...

"It took a California company named OnTech seven years and $24 million to create the self-heating cans, which are activated by pushing a plastic button on the bottom. Water flows into a sealed inner cone filled with quicklime, which is mostly calcium oxide. A chemical reaction heats the coffee to a pleasant 145 degrees in six to eight minutes, the amount of time it might take to order, pay for and receive a latte from a barista. "

But here's your money quote. It's scary cuz it's true:

"I'm not trying to replace your dinner, but when you're on your way to work and you need some oatmeal and you can't get to the microwave, we will be there for you," said Jonathan Weisz, the OnTech chief executive. "This is going to be a huge, huge part of society in the United States. In two years everyone will be drinking from self-heating containers."

Full Story

Shall I Run Rampant?

2005-05-13T14:17:00.000-04:00

With Lucas gone, I'm going to take a page from Scribble Faster and all.mod.cons and declare an entire week of daily posts.

To kick things off in true form, I am going to start to posting something I already wrote. Since it was my favorite.

"Kerouac, We Are Here"

If you don't understand that title, stop reading this and go buy a textbook of American history. You are wasting my time.

Upon reaching Denver on a recent road trip, my thoughts turned to Jack Kerouc, since the city was a stomping ground for JK on his cross country trips. As the method of the trip was improvisation, no research was done re: where to go to have a Kerouacian experience.

Gonzo had picked up a few pamphlets and was able to locate a very fine hotel on the cheap, complete with a complimentary shuttle downtown. We strolled around the streets in the area we were told had the best possiblity of nighlife on a Monday night. But Denver was dead that night and I quickly realized any fun would have to be of our own creation.

A friendly barkeep wrote down a few places we could walk to if we wanted to hear some music. My prefence was jazz that night, to be in the correct spirit of my Hero. This jived nicely with the keep telling us that, if he were not working that night, he would go to one particular jazz bar.

We entered said bar to find a black bartender and his buddy. After making fast friends with these two, we were treated to a lengthy discourse on race relations in Denver, the problems about black youth, how ridiculus the bartender found his mate's snowboarding ("ain't no reason for a black man to snowboard. You know he's awful"), and finally we were educated that Kobe put it up that white girl's ass and that was when she screamed rape.

As the bar began to fill, I turned to Gonzo and wondered allowed which bars JK frequently. The bartender over heard this and said: "Jack Kerouac? He was a fucking bum."
"How would you know," I replied.
"He used to come in here and we kicked him out all the time. Fucking bum."
"You are too young to have worked here then."
"Damn right, but Jerry the owner knew him."
"Where's Jerry?"
"He'll be here later."

I am not sure if I have ever felt so much anticipation in my life. Shots of Jim Beam were quickly ordered. Red Bull and vodka was slammed. I needed to be ready for this. The band started after a homeless man came in and played guitar for a while. It was all so perfect, I could have cried.

The bartender showed us the booth where Kerouac used to sit, write (and apparently sleep...). Oddly enough, despite being by far the best booth in the place, it was left vacant nearly the whole night. Every other booth was full, as was the bar and standing space. I like to think it's a known fact that that was His seat and you simply do not sit in the Lord's seat.

"Hey, man, Jerry's here."
"Where?"
"Other side of the bar."
I approach an old man shooting pool. "You Jerry?"
"No, Jerry's over there."
I walk up to the man - "Jerry, I want to talk to you about Jack Keroauc."
"He was a bum. He was a fucking drug addict bum."
"Tell me more."
"You want to know, you read the books. Read it, he wrote it, read it if you care so much."
"I have read it, I want to hear about it from you."
"Get away from me. Leave me alone. Get away from me. I don't want to talk to you."
"Jerry, you chose to open a bar, you have to deal with the consequences of that action, and that means you're going to have to talk to me. Can I bum a cigarette?"
"I'm not giving you anything. Read the book, leave me alone."
"Jerry, you're living history. I think you should embrace this. You could probably make money off of it."
"He was a fucking drug addict bum. To you he was a hero. To me he was a drunk I used to kick out of my bar. He used to sleep right outside in the parking lot. He would fall asleep in the booth. He never paid his tab. He was an alcoholic bum."

At this point, I am pumped and ready for more. I tell Jerry I am going to go bum a cigarette off of someone else and that nothing would make me happier than to calmly smoke a cigarette with him and pick his brain some more upon my return. (The conversation above is an abbreviated version of a 20 minute yelling match.)

I return to the other half of the bar, tell Gonzo it's going great, that Jerry is an evil man and I will not rest until I get us kicked out of the bar.

We had been running a tab and didn't give a card at the beginning, so Gonzo was excited about me getting us booted, in hopes we wouldn't have to pay the tab, which was probably getting pretty high at that point.

The bartender tells me that Jerry is an angry, angry man and to be careful. I return to the other half of the bar to find Jerry sitting in a booth alone. Perfect....

I join him, lighting the cigarette I had bummed. "Care to join me for a smoke, Jerry?"
"Hell no. Get away from me. I don't want to talk to you about him anymore."

"Oh, come on Jerry. Remember, you're living history. How often does someone come in here and want to talk to you about this?"

"Every fucking night one of you bums comes in here and harasses me." (The bartender said it happened maybe three to five times a year.) "

"Then let's talk about you Jerry, come on, light one of your smokes," I replied.

We sat in silence until I finished my cigarette. As soon as I stubbed it out, Jerry lit up one of his own. I respected that move and told him so. I was able to get him to tell me the boring history of the bar. Used to be a Salsa joint, hence the Spanish name.

Then, I receive the following text message from Gonzo: "At some point. . . lets make a break 4 it..."
I reply back: "Let's skip the tab."
Five minutes I get: "Already gone."
Chuckling, I wish Jerry good luck and leave the bar.

That one was for you, Jack.

A Baker's Top Ten

2005-05-11T17:25:00.000-04:00

(That Title works on so many levels, maaaaaan....)

Thanks to all.mod.cons for starting the Top Ten Songs of the Rock Era fun. Since I like to cheat, here is my (Baker's) Top Ten (11). Props to the Big Ten (11) football conference.

Revolution #1 - The Beatles
Lost in the Supermarket - The Clash
Talkin' World War III Blues - Bob Dylan
Peggy Sue Got Married - Buddy Holly
That's Entertainment - The Jam
The KKK Took My Baby Away - Ramones
Sitting on the Dock of the Bay - Otis Redding
Driver 8 - REM
Under my Thumb - The Rolling Stones
A Quick One - The Who
Waiting for My Man - The Velvet Underground

Took my idea before I had it.

2005-05-11T13:23:00.000-04:00

After reading some particularly hilarious corrections in the Washington Post the other day, I thought I would start looking at newspaper corrections and mock those who confess their errors. Looks like someone already has had that idea:

Regret the Error

The High Fidelity Challenge: Top 5 Live Musical Performances

2005-05-10T14:02:00.000-04:00

I thought I would have trouble with this category but it turns out it is slowly become a top 10 list.

1. Carmina Burana at Tanglewood (July 13, 2001). My friend Dave used to sing with the Boston Symphony Orchestra a lot. For a year or two, he would spend the summer working at Tanglewood, which is one of the most amazing places to hear music on our fat little planet. So he got posh housing and we'd sit on the lawn outside on our Therm-a-rests listening to amazing music. But on the occasion I site here, Dave was singing Orff's classic Carmina Burana with the BSO at Tanglewood. For those of you who can't remember the song or don't know what it sounds like, it was the song playing in the Guinness commercial featuring the train (turn up your volume for this link). The piece is about 25 minutes long and the hairs on my neck were on end for the entire duration. I have never been as moved, engrossed, and convinced that the world was exploding more than that night under a clear and open Massachusetts sky.

2. Radiohead at Harbor Lights (August 27, 1998). Not only was it the first time in a few years that the band played their most well known song (to that date) "Creep," but it was a show the band even looks back on and remembers as one of their best. Given the fact that OK Computer had just come out, it was a great time to be a Radiohead fan. As far as location, it didn't get much better. The Harbor Lights pavillion sat right on Boston's scenic waterfront and would host amazing bands despite limited seating. So it was almost like a club, but outdoors, and with the energy of a stadium. This one always comes to mind as I remember so vividly gettting close enough to see the odd electronic bracelets that Johnny Greenwood wore to coax sounds from his guitar known only to other galaxies. It was like seeing the inner organs of superhero laid out before you and shown how everything works in great detail.

3. R.E.M at Great Woods (June 16, 1995). Looks like we're approaching a ten year anniversary on this one. Huh. I have a picture of my friends and I at this show and dare I say I barely look or feel a day older now. I still talk to many of the kids I went to the show with, which was my first major concert, and my first time ever seeing R.E.M. - the tickets were $75, which adjusted for America's inflation and ticketmaster's inflation, it would be roughly equal the GDP of many 3rd world nations in today's dollars. This was also when Monster came out, and R.E.M. sought to be/be on the cusp of something important in music. Didn't really happen though. However, I saw my music idols on stage and finally knew that they were real, that they played their instruments, and that I was 15 and my life seemed less complicated for a few hours. And at 15, that's hard to do.

4. Ben Folds at Avalon (September 16 or 17, 2001). Notice the date. This was back in that period of the week after September 11 where the world did not know if it was OK to do stuff yet. We got these tickets for free because I knew the owner's wife well, but we weren't sure if we should go to the show, because it felt inappropriate - there was still a rawness to everything. However, we went and it was an amazing show - aided by the fact that I name dropped the owner's wife and assistant and within 20 minutes, we are up in the booth overlooking the show and having drinks with the record label and industry folks while sitting in plush couches with Ben Folds rocking the shit out of the place. There was dancing, drink spilling, and sing-a-longs that dulled the 9/11 feeling that was waiting to greet you upon exit. It was respite care as far as I'm concerned, and I thank Ben Folds for it.

5. Ely's Gin at JT Kaminski's Wedding (can't remember the date). I can't remember what year my friend JT got married, but I am pretty sure it was sometime between 2000 and 2002. JT and his bride Tessa invited all of their friends to their backyard where they were getting married. Not only does it make my Top 5 Wedding List, but the fact that a group of our friends were the wedding band made it amazing. Ely's Gin was a collection of some of my friends from high school who wrote music well beyond their years. Imagine if Rush, Creedence Clearwater Revival, The Who, and Mr. Bungle all had a bastard child, and no one wanted custody. They rocked the hell out of Massachusetts for a good number of years. I am lucky enough to have recordings, because there are few out there these days. Anyway, they played every song we knew, every song we wanted to hear, and as usual, the great covers. They were the perfect wedding band, and you could go up and grab an instrument and jam with them. It felt like the first wedding I went to that was thrown for ME.

Honorable Mentions:

Any John Mayer show (there are tons of beautiful women at these shows, plus the guy can PLAY).

Inspector 11, battle of the bands 1996. I was a guitarist in an incredibly well-named band once. We blew away all of the other bands that afternoon. Then again, the other bands were Rage Against the Machine screamers. And we did not play that crap.

Any SCOPE show - I was the production director for 1999-2000 and put together these shows. I can live to say I gave Jam Master Jay driving directions.

Paul McCartney - October 2005 (future show). I must see a Beatle in concert. I must.

The High Fidelity Challenge

2005-05-09T13:06:00.000-04:00

In the relentless quest to have something to say, I've decided to also grab onto the "High Fidelity Challenge." Which is basically composing the following top 5 lists:

Top 5 Lyrics that Move Your Heart
Top 5 Opening Lines (added by Lucas)
Top 5 Instrumentals
Top 5 Live Musical Experiences
Top 5 Artists You Think More People Should Listen To
Top 5 Albums You Must Hear From Start to Finish
Top 5 Musical Heroes

I was initially going to go through all of them at once, but then that would do 2 things: First it would take a up a lot of space, and second, it wouldn't generate any discussion. Plus, I may think of better things as I start this. So maybe I'll just do one a day this week. Cause I am gone all of next week, and Jones will have the run of the place.

Top 5 Opening Lines

Oddly, this is a subject I have always talked to people about. And it all stems from my number one choice:

1. Paul Simon, "Graceland" - "The Mississippi Delta was shining like a national guitar."

Written out like this, it makes no sense. But what an introduction to a song. And the way it is delivered is earnest and optimistic; the beginning of a traveller's tale that speaks in universals. Every single time I hear this song, I remark to somebody, "best first line of a song. ever."

2. The Beatles, "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" - "It was twenty years ago today, Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play. They've been going in and out of style, but they're guaranteed to raise a smile. So may I introduce to you, the act you've known for all these years. Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band!"

Hello and welcome to one of the seminal moments of Music and Rock History. We're the Beatles and we will blow your mind for the rest of your lifetime, despite how music changes over time. The contents of this song and the rest of the album are meant to alert the Beach Boys and the rest of the world that we, sonically speaking, own your ass.

3. Bruce Springsteen, "Born in the U.S.A." - "Born down in a dead man's town, The first kick I took was when I hit the ground. You end up like a dog that's been beat too much, Till you spend half your life just covering up."

Delivered in an exhausted primal roar, Springsteen vents on behalf of the forgotten and ignored infantrymen of Vietnam. Unapologetic from the beginning, this sets the stage for the rest of the song that deals with internal and external conflict, as well the overwhelming feelings of loss, ambivalence, and something that resembles shame, but isn't. It was always amazing to me that this song inspired such patriotism in people. The only triumph that this song proclaims is that of self-survival. It is always sad to me that so many people still think this is a happy song. It is an important song, but not happy - right from the opening salvo.

4. R.E.M., "Ignoreland" - "The bastards stole the power from the victims of the Us v. Them years, wrecking all things virtuous and true. They undermined the social democratic downhill slide into abysmal, lost them off the precipice into trickle down runoff hope.

Coming off the first Bush administration, R.E.M looked like it was well on its way to become the 90's version of what U2 is today. With politically charged songs sprinkled throughout their catalogue, I always felt that Ignoreland was their most angry, frustrated, despondent, and 'fuck-this' laden song. This opening line sets the tempo of the song, and told me I was going to listen and pay attention goddamnit. Whenever I read all the lyrics of this song, I can't help but think I am still living in the past.

5. Bob Dylan, "Hurricane" - Pistol shots ring out in the barroom night. Enter Patty Valentine from the upper hall - She sees the bartender in a pool of blood, she cries out "My God, they killed them all!"

Dylan has been lauded and condemned for his narrative of "The Hurricane." But it cannot be disputed that these opening lines, accompanied by a mourning yet lively violin brings you in, creates a plot line quickly, and makes you think about your own definition of justice. The song itself is a 9 minute masterpiece that does not feel half that long, and the opening line is a lyrical cannonball.

Honorable Mentions:
The Smiths, "Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now"
Bruce Springsteen, "One Step Up & Two Steps Back"
The Byrds, "Turn, Turn, Turn"

I guess these aren't all happy songs, and I am sure there are dozens, if not hundreds of better choices than I have put here (I just can't recall any Otis Redding or Stevie Wonder or Jimi Hendrix, or Tribe Called Quest or EmmyLou Harris or Louis Armstrong, etc openers that hit me the way these songs do). I am more than happy to include others thoughts on this topic and future ones. if you have ideas - send them to ruleofthumb @ gmail dot com. We'll be happy to put up your thoughts and suggestions.

Are Birds free from the Chains of the Skyway?

2005-05-08T21:13:00.000-04:00

Waking up early on Sundays (10am) is nice because you get to take a Sunday afternoon nap. When I sleep until 2pm napping is out of the question.

I nap with window open; allowing the ceiling fan to Oscillate Wildly (anyone?...). I like the air, and it's nice to hear the bongos being played in the park as I doze off.

Theres no screen on the window. It was blown off when some storms ran through town. I just can't seem to get around to asking the Super to fix it. Hell, it's not even the first necessary home improvement. That would be replacing the closet light, which has been burnt out since shortly after the Oscars. But who really cares about either. What's the worst that could happen with no screen, anyway?

I got close to answering that today when a bird flew through my window.

Its paranoid chirping woke me up from some crazy dream about Wiffleball glory. It took a few moments to realize the crazy angry bird was IN MY HOUSE.

My first reaction was to open the apartment door and get that fucker out of my home. But that just didn't seem fair to the bird. The only thing to do was to get the bird back outside, via the window.

But how? I sat down, watched the bird and thought on it.

A Brady Bunch when something very similar happened came to mind. Marcia and Carol (Alice was too afraid) chased the bird out of the house w/ brooms. If it was good enough for the Bradys, it's good enough for me.

I explained to the bird what was going to happen and told him, "Mr Sparrow, we will both be much happier once you fly out that window. I don't enjoy being in this cage very much and I assure you that you will not like it in here one bit."

After about half an hour of what would be some solid video tape - success.

I feel guilty that I did not offer the bird any sunflower seeds. But I don't want him coming back for food.

Here's to Hoping They Extract Yankees Fans

2005-05-05T16:43:00.000-04:00

US Navy declares war in Southie (south boston for those of you who don't know boston or haven't seen Good Will Hunting).

The winding cowpaths of Boston apparently have the same type of urban planning as Baghdad, and will provide good prep for our troops. I'm all for that. I didn't realize that Baghdad had about 9 "Au Bon Pains" all within 6 blocks of each other, but you learn something new every day, I guess.

So in the dead of night, the residents of Southie can be lulled to sleep by the snaps of paintball guns... But the question is, in Baghdad, will they hear the streets yell back from their open summer windows: "hey guy, yah missed me, yah retahd!"

Brandalism

2005-05-01T22:03:00.000-04:00

For a long time now I have been wondering what the next "form" of music will be. Sometimes I worry that there will be nothing new. Mixing as DJ Danger Mouse does doesn't (ha) count in my opinion. Nor does podcasting or anything to do with computers. The music must be created by human beings from scratch. That is the rule. Will there be another rock and roll revolution? Maybe yes, maybe no. But for the life of me I can't figure out what it will sound like.

However, a different story is unfolding in the art world. There is a new school upon us. I know this because it's even starting to happen in DC - the least creative big city on Earth.

To be part of this, simply take the Memorial Bridge into DC and look up. The painting you'll see on a random overhead highway sign is more important than you may realize. It's a harbinger of a new era. Seeing the painting today was very exciting for me.

Here is my (current) favorite example of the new genre. It's a fantastic public art project in Sweden. It can be found here:

http://www.akayism.org/streetart/interaction/interaction.html

This piece and others like it form a new school that will stand the test of time next to the Baroque period, Impressionism and Dadaism. And thus a name is required. I have seen "Brandalism" proposed elsewhere and I support this. It's a perfect play on vandalism and branding.

The question is still open as to who will get to be Brandalism's master. Or when spellchecker will stop giving the following suggestions to "correct" Brandalism:

Brindle (nearly bridle - Brandalism shakes the yoke of lack of creativity!)
Frontal (you dirty whore you, great inspiration!)
Friendliest (nothing is friendlier than public art)

Even spellchecker seems to agree. Brandalism it is.

At the Races

2005-04-29T10:13:00.000-04:00

So my dad is kicking around the Hockenheim Grand Prix in Germany with his buddies and decide they need a better view of the races. Apparently their thought process went like this: "I bet if we just walked out onto the track with cameras, no one would say anything." Today, they would've been assaulted by beefy security dudes, pinned to the ground, and beaten like Access Hollywood paparazzi.

There are more cool ones of the cars, drivers, etc. but I don't have them scanned yet.

Take a look at how much has changed.

The Check is in the Mail

2005-04-27T19:52:00.000-04:00

I won three NCAA basketball pools this year. The best one was run by a college friend currently living in New Jersey. It was the most fun because it is ongoing. In a sick move of vengeance (due to my gambling debts to him) he has made me responsible for collecting my earnings.

Every day I come home to find a few more envelopes in my mailbox. It's a fun mix of mail from people I have never heard of and old people from college I never see. For example today I learned that John got married. Such cute little return address stickers he and his wife have. Thanks for the invite to your wedding btw, buddy.... See you on the flip side.

It's interesting to see the different ways people mail checks. I support wrapping a check with a piece of lined (College Ruled) notebook paper and then enclosing it in a security envelope. Sadly, I am currently saddled with a box of CVS Plain White Envelopes. The final legacy of a girlfriend who just didn't understand the glory of the little things in life. (She was my girlfriend / now she's my ex / I don't miss her / but I miss the sex.)

The methods of others include:

Internet checks. I basically receive a bank statement. Odd. I don't bank online.
No return address. This type just drops the thing in an envelope, no effort to disguise. These folks don't even write "congrats" in the memo section on the check.
Sent from work. Usually folded in half with Post-it notes on either side. I appreciate the attempt these people make to hide the check. These checks always come in a company envelope with a name hand written above the company return address.
Disguised in small lined paper. Normally includes a curt "congrats" on the paper and ignores the memo section. At best you get "NCAA" written in the memo line.
Check folded in half, uncovered. Sometimes with a note in the memo section, sometimes not.

My favorite so far was from a total stranger. The check was wrapped in some odd work memo but appeared to have been sent from home. On the check's memo section he wrote a fairly long explanation of why he was sending me a check. I don't get this. Does he think I am used to getting checks from strangers? Is this a common occurrence in his life? And why use that forum for your explanation?

These people are just wasting their stamps though. I'll never bother to go to the bank. Tracking this is more entertaining than anything I'd buy anyway. Hmmm. I should be paying more attention to postmarks.

Dad's Pictures

2005-04-26T14:09:00.000-04:00

During his tour in Uncle Sam's Army, my father saw a lot of the world. He spent a lot of time stationed in Germany, did his time in Vietnam, and then instead of rushing back to the states, decided to take the long way home via the rest of the world. Not only did this probably enable him greater ability to adjust when he got back, but it gave him a chance to see the entire world in the prime of his life.

According to my mother, at one point in his life my Dad was thinking of becoming a professional photographer. And I think as we see more, you all might agree he had the chops (all photos were developed by him, so if you have a problem with the quality take it up with him). So in an effort to let others see some of these amazing photos from the world (Germany, India, Afghanistan, UK) during a different time of war, and for me to learn more about my dad and his roamings, I will be putting up a picture now and then accompanied by my dad's memories about the image. He's pretty good at replying to emails, so hopefully, he'll have lots to say. However, right now he is at the Grand Canyon with my mom, so I am putting up two of my favorites that require little explanation.

The first is probably my all time favorite photo of his. A boat taking on water in the Bosporous Strait:

The next photo is my current desktop. He took this in Germany, but can't remember how he got into such a good position. It took me a few times before I even noticed the kid in the window. On the back of the picture he wrote, "Don't know why, but I like this one." Me too.

So that's it. Many more on the way. I'm kind of excited about this little project.

Vin Diesel and Hot Rock Chicks

2005-04-26T12:46:00.000-04:00

Because you deserve knowledge (refresh for new facts).

I got this link via the second place finisher for the Sports Guy Intern Contest, whose name is Theresa MacDonald (from Washington, DC). There is a "girl band" (their definition, not mine) from DC called Full Minute of Mercury that used to have a lead singer of the same name. Why do I even mention this? Uhhh... cause she was ridiculously hot (center).

Is it the same person? I don't think so, but maybe. Sleuths may want to compare that with her from the intern contest. After that, clean your hands in the sink over and over to wash off the creepiness of looking up strangers on the net.

UPDATE (july 05): It is indeed Ms. MacDonald, who was kind enough to inform us herself, that she is.... uhhhhh.... herself.

Jesus Demands a Flat Tax too.

2005-04-22T17:13:00.000-04:00

via Kos:

However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs. There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ, or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being. But like any powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf should be used sparingly. The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are not using their religious clout with wisdom. They are trying to force government leaders into following their position 100 percent. If you disagree with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both. I'm frankly sick and tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in 'A,' 'B,' 'C,' and 'D.' Just who do they think they are? And from where do they presume to claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me? And I am even more angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll call in the Senate. I am warning them today: I will fight them every step of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans in the name of 'conservatism.'

-- Sen. Barry Goldwater (R)

The argument can be made that most issue groups 'are trying to force government leaders into following their position 100 percent. If you disagree with these groups on a particular issue, they complain, they threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both.' -It's the invoking of a higher power I find distasteful. That and the folks who seemed to have hijacked conservatism seem to pay a whole lot more attention to two lines from Leviticus than the entire New Testament, or eliminating poverty. Where is Focus on the Family on this? Abject poverty is ruining the lives of families much more than two chicks getting it on.

The founders wanted limited Government, not hall monitors.

One More Way to Mess With People

2005-04-22T16:27:00.000-04:00

This is awesome. A guy created a way for only you to hear noise instead of it being dispersed throughout a location.

"There's no speaker, but when I point this pad at you, you will hear the waterfall," said the 63-year-old Californian.

And one by one, each person in the audience did, and smiled widely.

Norris' HyperSonic Sound system has won him an award coveted by inventors - the $500,000 annual Lemelson-MIT Prize. It works by sending a focused beam of sound above the range of human hearing. When it lands on you, it seems like sound is coming from inside your head.

But while I think of all the cool implications (and there are many as he explains), I have to say I know people who would certainly use it for evil. Think of all the older brothers who would torture their younger siblings, or their teachers/authority figures.

It may be better suited to convincing fundamentalist terrorists that you are God and that they should surrender. In an hour. Once the networks' get their cameras set up.

Until there is a way of identifying where the sound is coming from, this is one way to absolutely freak out people, young and old. It's the equivalent of a pen light in the eye... but you know - in the brain - and it won't stop playing "Dancing Queen." I have enough trouble getting songs out of my head. I don't need any help, jackass.

Fear and Loathing at the Conclave

2005-04-19T21:48:00.000-04:00

-- Vactican City (Gonzo)

Just got in touch with my contact at the Conclave. Who, under threat of ex-communication (he doesn't care), decided to reveal to me the true inner workings for the selection of the Nazi Pope. My contact is rumored to be the infamous janitor who is responsible for false smoke readings during the last election of the Pope. They say he is the one who used the chimney to blow out his bong smoke, to which passerbys gleefully wondered aloud whether Tommy Chong had just been elected Pope.

My source and I both wondered how is it he could be ex-communicated for revealing the secret proceedings, but if he was caught banging a 12-year old would just be relocated.

Speaking of relocation, I have learned that during these proceedings Cardinal Law (a close ally of the Nazi Cardinal), was offering to other Cardinals the seduction secrets on how to molest children in exchange for votes. Cardinal Law is quoted as saying, "I know people who know people who know how to molest children."

To those Cardinals not interested in knowing how to molest children (there were three) Cardinal Law promised that, as Pope, the Nazi Cardinal would encourage nuns to have sex with them, by issuing a Papal order saying it was a holy duty for nuns to have sex with Cardinals. The motto being, "Experience the Power of the Lord's Sword."

The Nazi Cardinal's main rival was a rough and tumble group of Cardinals who joyously took on Law's derisive nickname "the Crack Caucus" as their own. The Cardinals in the Crack Caucus supported a Cardinal named Mooney out of the Netherlands. They are reported to have banged their tables with goblets of wine and chanted "Mooney, Mooney - he'll make us feel loooooon-ney."

Cardinal Mooney handed out reefer paper for Cardinals to write their votes on. On the reefer paper was the phrase, "Holy Smoke for Everyone. Vote Mooney."

Once aware of this advertising campaign Cardinal Law acted decisively. He needed victory quickly. April 20 brought Law two major problems in his attemps to elect a former Nazi foot soldier Pope. He was convinced that the Crack Caucus would gain momentum on 4-20, the international day of marijuana (it is a closely kept secret in the church that weed is a natural aphrodisiac). Also, he had concerns about the appearances of getting a Nazi installed as Pope on Hitler's birthday.

April 20 was troubling indeed.

Law was prepared for this moment. He whispered his secret weapon into the ears of the Nazi Cardinal's most ardent supports and told them to spread the word like the legs of so many alter boys. He revealed the true meaning of the Nazi Cardinal's support for a smaller, more ideological church. No more women in the choirs. The soprano section must instead be filled with prepubescent boys.

There was nothing Mooney could do.

Down Europe, Like the Bitch You Are

2005-04-15T20:06:00.000-04:00

I am finding the situation with the European Constitution very interesting. The people of France are about to vote no. And they will be closely followed by the Dutch (three days later).

Here is the problem w/ the EU:

France and Germany want to use it as a counter-weight to the USA. However, the only way to make that possible is to expand into a market large enough to counter the USA's. Which they have done with the current zone. However, by doing that the farmers / workers in the old block nations of France and Germany get subjected to free trade and cheap products from Eastern Europe. The farms and factories of Old Europe can't compete. These citizens don't care about being a counter weight to America, they care about their pocket books. The leadership of these nations is going to sacrifice the desires of its people in order to achieve a "high brow" geopolitical goal.

The people in eastern Europe don't really care about this either. (God, maybe I do agree with Rumsfield.) New Europe is in fact driven by good ol' hardworking American ideals. They don't want to join the EU to counter balance us, they want to join the EU to join us in prosperity.

I have also read that many French "on the street" believe voting against the Constitution is their only chance to keep Turkey out of the EU. Maybe I'm an idiot, but I didn't know the French hated Turkey so much. Why? Islam? Those intolerant frogs....

The British don't know which side they're on. But until they give up the Pound for the Euro (that is when I start to *worry*) they're on our side more than New or Old Europe's.

Face it, it's gonna come down the English speaking people against the world. Along with whatever allies we muster up. Bush had the right idea - but he was too quick to the punch.