Hang it up. It doesn't get any better from here. That's right, you heard me - 2004 was the best-goddamned year of your life. You know how I know? Because B-list comedians have instructed me for almost a full year that every week is the Best Week Ever, naturally succeeded by a full Best Year Ever. If getting an ironic viewpoint of My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss by some former MTV VJ named Kennedy doesn't seal the deal, then I don't know what does. Side note: Is it me, or does every Michael Ian Black quirky remark make you long for the days of MTV's The State and the movie, Wet Hot American Summer? But then I remember he then sold out and went on Ed, and I'm thinking, "Screw that guy." Same goes for the guy who played Louie, always hollering, "I'm gonna dip my balls in it!"
Anyway, this year was your best. First off, you literally survived. And that's honestly getting harder to do year after year. All of the things that could go wrong: car accidents, terrorism, being trapped in a mineshaft, heading up the David Blaine fan club - all of these things could get you killed, and yet you either dodged them or they dodged you. So a pat on the back for being alive. Hey, it feels good.
Secondly, either you got what you wanted this year or you didn't. Life is rarely this black and white. So if you got what you want, say... a reckless simpleton with a 20 gallon hat and some bass-ackwards foreign policy principles leading your nation - well, kudos to you. If you didn't get what you want, well then this was the first year that what you WANT has actually become crystallized and knowable to you. You felt more adrift all of your life up until January 1, 2004. This year, you were on a side - you were part of something larger than yourself. Unless you were a contestant on NBC's The Biggest Loser. Few things are larger than you people.
The rest of your life will be defined by 2004. It was your prime year, capped off by an incredible battle of good and evil, darkness and light - namely the Boston Red Sox beating the New York Yankees in the ALCS Championship, giving the Sox not only the green light to win the World Series, but forever knowing that the New York Yankees are the owners of the greatest choke in sports history. You actually witnessed a divine moment. You have been a part of spiritual history. Thousands of years from now, the master race of aliens who enslave us (don't blame me, I voted for Kodos) will read our primitive writings, "Ortiz 11:21 - and Lo, did the LORD summon a host of men upon high, under the banner of their Papi."
But why was this the best year of your life? Because you want it to be. Because you need it to be. Because it was such a hard year and you fought all the way through it. Then again, you probably got wonderfully drunk, horribly hungover, had a birthday, saw a tree, lost/gained a few pounds, and slept in a few times. Which, by that definition, could mean you were homeless. But you've got all that stuff and a roof. You've got it made.
Thank you 2004. We will never find a better year. We'll flirt with 2005, but we promise it won't mean anything.