Taking credit for another's work quite literally keeps our world running. I have heard Ted Kennedy speak. He is a champion of healthcare, organized labor, and other measures - while additionally owning some more dubious distinctions requiring eloquent defense. But do you think that the Op-Eds under his name, the floor speeches, are at all crafted by him? Hell no. This man cannot put two sentences together, forget a 6 paragraph articulation of the intricacies of foreign and domestic policy. His staff wrote it, he recited. That is plagarism, and in some cases, it may even save lives.


The dirty little secret is that we honestly don't care how the words are created, or what kind of work went into the discovery of an idea. We care who says it. Secondary and Graduate Schools teach otherwise, but then - go and write a press release that matters (which may have already been given to you with fill-in-the-blanks) - which you fax to a reporter, who then writes word for word what you sent. That-s plagarism and a bad version of the telephone game at once! And it informs us. Means to an end, I say.


Why must I attribute thoughts and ideas? If I play my own acoustic version of Regulate by Nate Dogg & Warren G, why do I have to say who wrote it? If I give someone a present, do I have to say who made it, who gave me the idea to give it? Insanity. I'll take credit for those things and more, thankyouverymuch. Because it was MY IDEA to perform these actions in the first place.


I'm not worried about credit. I'm worried about consequence. And if the right people don't say things, no one will listen, and we don't move forward as a society. But at least someone can sit around and be happy that they've got an answer nobody will know.

One of my favorite magazines - actually the only one I pay to subscribe to (Scientific American was a gift, and Sports Illustrated just keeps coming) - Esquire, has stopped running a small column I always liked. It was entitled, "The Indefensible Position." I think there's a lot of merit in this, and I intend to keep the tradition alive. It was generally snarky, and made a point. I promise neither of these things. But I do promise a statement that is utter lunacy - and a fairly lukewarm defense. Maybe I'll get better as time goes on.


Today's indefensible position: McCauley Culkin is the most important actor of our time.


Growing up under a cinematic microscope, MC has provided more dramatic and comedic range than most of his contemporaries - PLUS he's a wackjob with a wackjob family, making him less marketable and adding difficulties to jobs he does get. His movie choices read like an EKG - up down, up down - Uncle Buck, Home Alone, The Good Son, Richie Rich, Party Monster. And this was all in about 5-7 years, which managed to include the entire Home Alone oeuvre. Tom Hanks - the Hollywood-Anointed-One, was mailing it in with Turner & Hooch, Dragnet, The Burbs, Joe Versus the Volcano etc. Always playing essentially the same dude, only in one of the movies there was a volcano. It's also worth noting that Hanks was in the middle of his career at this point. So now he's animated in the Polar Express, and I'm supposed to care? Dude, I'd rather be seeing Big Mac on Celebrity Poker.


(Tangent: Hanks has also uttered the worst line in film history, from You've Got Mail - "Don't cry... Shopgirl." If I was handed a script that ended like that I would've opted to take the part only on the condition that I could execute the screenwriter. That would've been a dealbreaker.)


And Mr. Culkin has already been around the block once or twice, while I still have yet to go outside by comparison. I have no raging drug problem (at least not that I've admitted to), I haven't been married or divorced, I haven't been on SNL, and I haven't been adored by millions, written off by millions, and shrugged at by millions upon my under-the-radar return. His characters show this, admit their humanity, and ask us to trade our indifference for redemption - and I remain grateful having been asked. All I can thank Tom Hanks for is wearing a Red Sox Jacket during the World Series, and etching "That Thing You Do" into the soft tissue of my brain for almost a full year. Thanks a lot, Jackass.


UPDATE: Here's the link for previous Esquire Indefensible Positions. I regret that two previous articles in there are along the same line as what I have presented here. Namely : Keanu Reeves is a Good Actor, and Michael Douglas is the Most Important Actor of Our Time. Clearly, I need to write an Indefensible Position on Why Copyright Infringement is good, as well as the Benefits of Plagarism.

If your web browser at work does not like to see F Bombs, then read this at home, but I thought this was downright hysterical. I post this link purely as an intellectual exercise and do not claim to concur with all of its contents (at least publicly, anyway).


Eff the South

And when you do, Vote Quimby.